Suzie wanders into the kitchen, dressed for school and looking for breakfast.  Her Dad looks over at her and comments, “Good morning sunshine!  Oops, your pony tail is kind of bunched up.  I’d better do it again for you…Are you really going to put that much cream cheese on your bagel?  It looks like too much.”

Mom listens from her seat at the breakfast counter and chimes in, “Did you remember to study your spelling words, honey?  I hope you’re going to pass your spelling test today…Be careful sweetie, your elbow is right next to your hot chocolate cup—you don’t want to knock it over.  Oh and listen, don’t forget you have soccer practice after school.  Try to be a good sport and have a good time today, okay?  Even if you don’t like it sometimes, it’s important to do your best and keep smiling, right?

Suzie’s parents love her and are dedicated to guiding their daughter well.  But in the first five minutes of their morning, they have offered her five discouraging criticisms.  Without explicitly saying it, they let her know that her efforts fall short when she fixes her own hair, prepares her own bagel, studies for her own test, avoids knocking over her own hot chocolate, and plays in her own soccer game.  Overtime, Suzie may become convinced that she can’t do anything right; and even begin to think, “Why bother?  I always do it wrong anyway.”

It’s not that Suzie’s parents want to discourage their daughter.  Far from it!  They love her dearly and hope to help her make good choices that will lead to success in life.  But the “helpful criticism” they are in the habit of offering their daughter is not helping her learn to become more competent and confident.

Like many parents, their advice and corrections usually sound like criticism to Suzie, a discouraging daily drumbeat that repeats the message, “your efforts are not good-enough,” over and over again.  They want to teach their daughter how to do things right, but they put most of their attention into what she does wrong.  Instead of Suzie learning how to deal with and learn from her mistakes, she is learning to be afraid of mistakes and to feel ashamed for being imperfect.

The reality for parents is that children do not have all the information or the judgment to make good choices entirely on their own.  They need guidance to help them learn how to get along in life.  And there are a million and one things for parents to teach—everything from “don’t tease the cat,” to “it’s a good idea to start early on your book report.”

So, how can parents provide all this vital information to their children without packaging it with discouraging messages such as: “you don’t know what you are doing,” “you did this wrong,” and “don’t make that mistake again”?

First, consider providing a lot more information up front as helpful tips or training, instead of waiting until a child needs to be corrected for a mistake.  For example, “Hmm, it says on the package that a serving of cream cheese is 2 tablespoons.  Would you like to measure out two tablespoons of cream cheese to see what that looks like on a bagel?”

Second, let the little stuff go.  Not every mistake needs to be caught and corrected every time.  Very few things get worse if they are ignored temporarily and things often go better when children don’t feel overwhelmed with too much advice.  If Suzie is independently getting herself dressed and her hair fixed in the morning—that is the most important thing.  With more practice, she can figure out how to brush her hair more smoothly.

Third, try describing what a child is doing right: “Suzy, I notice that you care about learning your spelling words and you practice them every week.”  Then connect the child’s success with what could be improved, “I’m wondering if you would like to spell more of the words correctly on your next test?  If you want my help, I’m willing to work with you.”

Fourth, trust your child to make her own mistakes and to learn from them.  If Suzie does knock over her hot chocolate, she can clean up the mess on her own.  In the process, she will learn more from the experience of cleaning up her broken mug than from a hundred warnings from you to be careful!

Fifth and finally, it always helps to ask more questions and give fewer directions to inspire your child to think through how to improve a situation for herself.  “I’m wondering if there is some problem that is giving you a hard time in soccer?  What ideas have you tried so far to make it better?  Have you already thought of some new solutions for how to deal with this situation?”

Children have so much to learn and loving parents have so much to teach them—it’s a shame to let this important process get dragged down with unintended criticism and discouragement.  Yet there are truly helpful ways for parents to help their children learn.  With encouragement, children can experience themselves as imperfect, but good-enough little people, and feel inspired to learn and improve.

More Tips for Correcting a Child Without Criticism:

  • Describe what you see in an impersonal way:  “I’m noticing that the cat’s water bowl is empty and he seems thirsty.”  (Said to a child who has the job of keeping the cat’s water bowl filled.)
  • Offer to share information, rather than giving it directly. “I have a question/concern about what you are doing—would you like me to say what it is?”   Or “I have some information about this problem/situation that is pretty important—let me know if you want me to share it.”  And, “If I have an idea about what might improve the situation, would you like to hear it?”  (An offer like this is virtually irresistible to a child!)
  • Ask questions. “Do you think this is working out okay for you?”  “What is the problem that seems to be getting in your way?”  “What do you suppose will happen if you keep on doing what you are doing?”
  • Acknowledge a child’s efforts and intentions.  “I appreciate what you are trying to do, but notice that it doesn’t seem to be working.  Are you dealing with it okay by yourself, or would you like a suggestion?”