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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
How Do Children Know That We Love Them?
From "Raising Kids With Courage" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT
Published in the Takoma/Silver Spring Voice, October 2004
Most parents I know love their children-or to put it another way, they're crazy about them (even when the kids are driving them crazy). Most kids I know love their parents-or to put it another way, they love them most of the time (except when their parents are driving them crazy).
With all this crazy love going around, it should be safe to assume that most children know that they are loved.
Although this is often true, sometimes kids have a hard time believing that their parents love them.
Especially as children grow older and there are more and more expectations put upon them. Good grades.
Good manners. Neat rooms. Chores done. Chores done, cheerfully. It is not hard to see why children
increasingly believe that that they are loved more for what they do, and less for who they are.
This is unfortunate because our love is our finest gift to our children. It is also the glue that strengthens our relationship with our kids. When the loving relationship between parents and children is strong, they can both make a lot of mistakes and still recover from them. When the loving relationship between parents and children is weakened, mistakes cause much more damage and that damage is harder to repair.
It was so much simpler when our children were babies. Then we knew instinctively that our children need lots of love in order to thrive, and we willingly lavished thousands of kisses and cuddles on our adorable babies.
Like everything else, it gets more complicated as our children grow older. Our kids come to us less and less frequently for those kisses and cuddles. Then, one sad day, they actually tell us not to kiss them in public, or (horrors!) in front of their friends. The kids have changed the rules on us in midstream, and we feel unsure about what we are supposed to do next.
Children naturally become more self-conscious about their parent's public displays of affection because they are working hard to become less dependent upon their parents. This doesn't mean that they need or want their parent's love less. Our children will continue to need love and affection throughout their lives, in order to be both emotionally and physically healthy. Recent research of children and families has found that affection and positive family routines actually decreases a child's stress hormones and bolsters the child's immune system.
How is it that parents can reinforce a child's sense of being loved? How can parents continue to demonstrate their love and affection for their child after infancy has ended? I think it boils down to three essential elements: time, attention, and respect.
Time, because this shows, "I care about you." Attention, because this demonstrates, "I want to know about you."
And respect, because this proves, "You are valuable to me."
Let's talk about time first, because there is simply no substitute for spending time with children. As the old saying goes, a lot of life is just showing up. A lot of parenting is just being there for your child. Being around the house where the child is. Being there even when your child doesn't need you, so that you're likely to be there when he does need you. Being aware of how your child is doing, more or less, on a day-to-day basis. Being there in the background so that you can be ignored, while your child rests assured that someone cares about him or her.
Every kid has figured out that time is the most precious commodity that their parents have, and whether their parent
wants to spend some of that precious time with them is a pretty clear indicator of how important
they are in their parent's scheme of things. Certainly, no parent could, or should, focus all their
time on their child. Nor can any parent always be there for a child when they are needed. We're
not psychics. But, don't ever think that your child isn't interested in having some quality time with you.
Even the notoriously stand-offish adolescents long for more time with their parents. As a nationwide
survey sponsored a few years ago by the YMCA
found, "not having enough time together" was the number one concern of 12-15 year olds.
Parents sometimes make the mistake of thinking, "if they want to spend time with me, they'll let me know."
But kids don't usually issue invitations or plan ahead well. However, kids will often take advantage of
random opportunities to hang out with their parents because they are masters of living in the moment.
The trick for parents is to learn how to make those "random" opportunities a regular occurrence.
Erin, a Silver Spring mom, has found that simply having some unstructured time around the house
together has been important for her and her family to talk or do things with each other.
She has also found that inviting her children to play games, like cards, gives everyone a good reason to gather.
Once they're together, she reports, conversations naturally flow.
Giving children our attention is the second element of how we show children that we love them.
Young children often demand our attention endlessly. "Listen to me!" "Watch me" "Help me!" "Give it to me!" But then, as kids become increasingly independent, their inner emotional worlds expand. With some children it is hard to know what is going on in their inner worlds; their emotions are a mystery. Other children broadcast to everyone in the house (and the neighborhood, if the windows are open!) their distress or their joy. Different emotional temperaments require different responses from parents.
Betsy, the mother of two children in Takoma Park, has one child who is easy to read and another who is more of a challenge to understand. The easier child wears his
emotions on his sleeve. "When Andy is crabby, I know something is going on with him.
I can just ask him what is going on." Her other child is harder to connect to when there is trouble.
"If I sense something is going on with Molly, I'll go in and talk to her after bedtime, in the dark.
She doesn't sleep well when she is anxious, and she appreciates having someone who will listen to her then."
Our focused attention is how we connect most meaningfully with our children. Kids know that they have our full attention when we stop multi-tasking, when we move physically closer to them;, and when we allow them to express all of their feelings, without pitying or solving their problems for them.
And last, we come to the third element of love, respect. Respect shows children that they are not only loved, they are also valued. Children feel respected by their parents when they are asked how they could solve a problem, instead of told how to solve it. Children feel respected when they are encouraged to try something new and difficult, rather than being rescued or pitied. Children feel most respected when they are given choices, even limited choices, rather than orders.
Linda lives in Takoma Park, and has two sons. She watches herself when she is questioning some decision her child has made because she has realized
that, "if I don't watch how I say it, it can sound really disrespectful. I try not to make them think that
I don't think they can make good decisions. I always want to get my two cents in and
sometimes I have to remember just to keep quiet!"
In a home where respect is practiced, parents also model self-respect by not allowing themselves to be talked to or treated badly. Walking away from a child who is behaving rudely or abusively is a very powerful example of self-respect and self-control. The first time I tried this, I walked away from my four-year-old who was spitting on me! Quietly, I told her I would stay away from her until it was safe for me to come back out. She was startled, but quickly learned that it is possible to walk away from somebody who is treating you badly.
Yelling, unfortunately, is one of the most disrespectful things we parents do to our children. Kids often report that being yelled at is the worst thing their parents do to them. No one is perfect, and every parent yells at least once in their parenting career (or more often, in my case!). But I try hard to keep it from becoming a habit, because yelling demonstrates both the parent's lack of self-respect (because they're not using self-control) and the parent's lack of respect for their child (because people don't yell at those they respect).
Fortunately, family members can recover their self-respect and rebuild their respect for their child after yelling or another breakdown in respect with one simple technique:
apologize. "I was wrong. I made a mistake. I am sorry I did that." With an apology, the parent shows their child that they can recognize a mistake, learn from that mistake, and try again. After the parent apologizes for their own mistakes, their child often apologizes too. Apologies are a graceful way for both parents and children to sweep away the broken crockery of harsh words and hurt feelings. With good feelings restored, and the love between parent and child reaffirmed, parents and children can work together to repair their other mistakes.
The loving relationship between parents and children is the foundation for everything else that happens between them. It is where we started when we first gazed into our baby's eyes and promised them that we would always love them, no matter what.
Giving children frequent evidence that "I care about you, I want to know about you; and you are valuable to me," with
ample time, attention, and respect reaffirms that our children are loved in the most concrete and real way possible.
With that kind of love as a solid bedrock underneath them, our kids will still get mad at us, they will still
think we're occasionally unreasonable, and they will certainly think we're crazy-but,
they'll never think that we don't love them.
The Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) is a local parenting education program that helps parents raise cooperative, responsible children and build stronger, healthier families. PEP teaches parents how to use positive, encouraging methods with their children and practical skills to deal with misbehaviors and problems. On October 8, PEP is offering a program for all family members age 9 and over
called "How Can I Get My Child to Be More Responsible." PEP's three-part seminar for parents,
"Managing Anger: A User's Guide" will be held October 13-27. For more information contact PEP at 301-929-8824 or visit www.ParentEncouragement.org.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT, is a Family Therapist working with families with children and adolescents
in Takoma Park and Kensington.
For more information, contact Emory at 301-588-1451, or by email:
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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