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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
"It's a Shame"
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT
Published in the Takoma/Silver Spring Voice, March 2005
For many adults, that chiding, slightly sarcastic tone is the way that parents are supposed to sound when talking to
a child who is doing something wrong. "What's the matter with you?" "Didn't you think before you did that?"
"What does it take to get through that thick skull of yours?"
These are the phrases and typical tone of voice adults often used with us when we were kids and we had messed up.
"Are you really going to wear that?" "You wouldn't remember your left arm if it wasn't attached." With the passage of time, the sarcastic comments are remembered nostalgically, and (if we're lucky) seem even humorous to us now. No longer living with our parents and not used to being spoken to in such a way on a daily basis, the patronizing put-downs have lost their familiar sting and seem almost funny in retrospect.
Those selective memories sometimes lead us to think that sarcasm can be a pretty good parenting tool with our own kids. It certainly doesn't seem harmful compared to more coercive parenting techniques such as yelling, hitting, and harsh punishment. Shaming is a personal attack, nonetheless, and it does sting-no matter how cleverly or humorously it's done. And that's precisely why we parents continue to use it. Communication with a sting is an effective way to get a child's attention; it's an effective way to get a response from a child; and it's an effective way to get our point across.
But what is effective in the moment can also be harmful-now and over the long run.
Think about the message that sarcasm communicates: "What's the matter with you?"
Translation: something is wrong about you. "Are you really going to wear that?" Translation: You are wearing a stupid outfit and I want you to change it. Kids get the message loud and clear: I don't like what you and what you are doing.
They aren't called "put-downs" for nothing.
The bottom line is that sarcasm and other shaming techniques are disrespectful at best and are damaging to the child at worst. These are parenting techniques that are intended to give the parent the upper hand and to make the child change in some way to please the parent.
"But, that's the point!" you may think, "I'm the parent and I'm supposed to have the upper hand!" Sure, parents are responsible for their children and it is important for children to learn how to live cooperatively and responsibly with their families and others. But getting the upper hand over a child is a temporary experience that never lasts long. Every child resents being controlled and will work hard to escape it. Every parent knows the frustration of trying to get in control of their child, only to lose it again. What is lost in the struggle for control between parents and children is the actual learning and practicing of both cooperation and responsibility.
One thing that is clear is that children are not going to learn about cooperation and responsibility
through lessons
that are taught with sarcasm or shame. For evidence of this, look at the expression on your child's
face when you fire off a pithy zinger, such as "Clean up this room--we don't live in a barn you know!"
A very young child may look like they don't understand you because they don't know anyone who lives in a
barn, and why not live in a barn? An older child who recognizes your sarcasm may wince or look embarassed. A pre-adolescent or adolescent child may respond to you with an angry verbal attack or clench their jaw and glare at you because they know they are not allowed to answer you with the same disrespectful tone. None of these children are absorbing your primary message,
which is: "you are responsible for cleaning up your things in this room."
If sarcasm doesn't work, pleading and begging are too humiliating, and
threats are too hard to enforce-then what is a parent left with? How can parents make children be more
cooperative and responsible? I suggest you try a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T!
Respectful communication with a child is communication that focuses on the needs of the situation, rather than
shaming or blaming the person(s) involved. For instance, respectful communication is describing what you see
that needs to be done by the child. "I see toys and books that need to be put away on the shelves." Respectful communication gives children
choices, "Would you like to clean up your stuff now or in 30 minutes?" Respectful communication shares
what the parent is willing and not willing to do, "I am willing to read a story to you when you have your
pajamas on and your teeth brushed. I am not willing to start until that's done." Respectful communication trusts that the child can handle the consequences of
poor choices, "You left your toys out and so they were put away for the week.
I am sure you can find something else to play with now."
Parenting with respect requires a more thoughtful response to problem situations than more traditional types of parenting.
For one thing, it means giving up some of the
conveniences of "drive-by parenting" whereby a Mom or Dad walks through the house barking out orders
such as: "Do your homework!" "Stop that fighting!" "Pick up this mess!"
On the other hand, parenting with respect means parenting without losing your own self-respect. We all know that parenting is sometimes exasperating, frustrating, and infuriating! Parenting brings out the
best of us...and it can bring out the worst of us. Sarcasm and shaming focus on the worst aspects of a child, and do nothing to encourage the child to be better. Talking to a child with respect-even when they are not at their best-is a better way to encourage the child to be their best.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT, is both an experienced parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program
(PEP) and a Family Therapist working with families with children and adolescents in Takoma Park and Kensington.
PEP's spring parenting classes begin the week of April 4.
For more information, contact PEP at 301-929-8824 or visit
www.ParentEncouragement.org.
To contact Emory, call 301-588-1451, or email:
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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