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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
"Measuring Up To Our Expectations"
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT
Published in the Takoma/Silver Spring Voice, April 2005
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Every child would like the love and approval of their parents, but not
every child is able to give their parents exactly what they wished for.
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A friend once described her sister to me, proudly telling me about the success her sister had found as a professional artist. Her sister's amazing creativity and talent had been clearly apparent since she was a little girl. Sadly, my friend
added, "She was the one creative, artsy kid in a family that valued being a good student the most.
But, she wasn't a great student, and she spent most of her childhood feeling like she couldn't
measure up to our parent's expectations. My sister will carry the scars of that experience for the rest of her life."
Before a baby is born, or joins their family through adoption, their parent usually enjoys imagining what this new child will be like. We often dream our most beautiful dreams for our children's futures. Sometimes what we want for our children are all the good things we have had. Often we hope our children will have lives that are even better than our own. When our hopes and dreams for our child are fulfilled, we think it is because we are doing something right. But when some of our hopes and dreams for our child are not realized, we often think something has gone wrong.
And so does the child. As my friend learned through her sister's experience:
when kids don't meet their parent's expectations for success, they often conclude that there must be something wrong with them.
When we parents are having problems with a child, we usually focus all of our
attention on the child and try to fix the problems with them. Sometimes, though, what seems like
a "problem child" or a "child with problems" is actually a pretty normal kid who is just having trouble fitting into their particular family. In other words, what
might be a "problem child" in one family, would be considered a totally "normal child" in another family.
Consider, for example, the story of Mary Anne. She is a happy and boisterous four
year old, who has strong opinions about everything. You always know whether she is happy or sad,
because she expresses herself quite loudly and firmly! Mary Anne is very energetic, and she loves to be
outdoors every day where she can run, climb, and swing with abandon. Indoors, she is always in a
hurry: she eats quickly and wants down from her chair right away; she draws a picture quickly
and immediately wants another piece of paper; she plays with one thing for a while and then
wants to do something entirely different.
Now, imagine how Mary Anne fits into family #1. In this family, she is an only child living with her parents in a townhouse. Before she was adopted, her parents traveled widely and collected many beautiful and fragile art objects that are now displayed in their home. Today, Mary Anne's parents enjoy reading widely, taking walks through area public gardens, attending concerts, and preparing gourmet meals. When Mary Anne's parents were anticipating her arrival, they imagined themselves enjoying and sharing the same kind of fun with their little daughter. But now they feel like their home has been hit by a four year old tornado! They don't know why Mary Anne can't
understand what "Please be quiet!" means; her non-stop energy looks like wild recklessness; and her negative opinions and stubbornness make her seem like a selfish, little brat! The parents in family #1
sometimes wonder "what in the world is wrong with Mary Anne?" They often don't feel like very good parents, and sometimes they wonder if their daughter is even normal or not!
On the other hand, consider how Mary Anne fits into family #2. In this family, Mary Anne is the youngest daughter living with two older brothers in a big old house furnished with family hand-me-downs. Before she was born, her parents enjoyed backpacking, kayaking, and other challenging sports. They still like to do these things, and they also enjoy family sing-a-longs, playful rough-housing, and frequent picnics and cook-outs. Now that Mary-Anne is four, her parents are enjoying her exuberance and liveliness, they appreciate her spunky determination to keep up with her older brothers, and they have had no problem helping her learn the difference between expressing her own opinion and being rude to others! In this family, Mary Anne's parents feel confident in themselves as parents, and believe that their daughter is pretty much like any other normal 4 year old.
Since Mary Anne, like every other child, can't choose her family, she has to do the best she can in whichever family she finds herself. Both her own experiences and how her parent's respond to her will play an important role in shaping how she sees herself and her place in her family. We can imagine that the Mary Anne who grows up in family #1 will feel quite differently about herself than the Mary Anne who grows up in family #2.
Mary Anne's parents, like all of us, have lots of choices to make about what they want from their children. One of the most important choices we can make is to surrender gracefully, when the reality of our unique child does not fit perfectly with our previous expectations. Instead, of challenging our children to be just what we want them to be, we can challenge ourselves to find and nurture the best in our children. Every child wants the love and approval of their parents, but not every child is able to give their parents exactly what they wish for.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT, is both an experienced parent educator with the Parent Encouragement
Program (PEP) and a Family Therapist working with families with children and adolescents in
Takoma Park and Kensington. PEP's spring parenting classes begin the week of April 4.
For more information, contact PEP at 301-929-8824 or visit
www.ParentEncouragement.org.
To contact Emory, call 301-588-1451, or email:
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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