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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
"Come PLAY with me!"
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT
Published in the Takoma Voice, May 2005
There was a period in my children's lives, especially between the ages of four and nine, when I recognized
that they only co-existed with us on this planet part-time. Much of their time was spent in a dreamy,
imaginary 'somewhere else,' and they returned to us periodically simply to refuel and check
in-then they were off again to their imaginary worlds.
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The most sincere compliment a child can pay to an adult is to say,
"Come play with me!"
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Play is when you see children at their creative best. Watch a child who is absorbed in his or her play,
and you will see a child that is both relaxed yet fully focused. Consider how much of their waking time
children spend having decisions made for them: when to eat, when to share, where to go, etc., etc.
But in their play, children are truly the masters of their universe-and so it is no wonder that they
love to play so much! When a child is immersed in play, he can be anyone or anything he wants to be
with unlimited powers, unlimited script writing potential, and an unlimited budget!
Play is also when children are most free to be their very "worst": to be mean, bossy, unforgiving,
and vengeful. Because it is "only pretend," play gives children the freedom to explore the darker side of life.
Through their imagination, children can experience what it would be like to be a
helpless victim as well as what it would be like to be a heartless and cruel villain.
Parents often shudder when they see their 'angelic' child gleefully pretend to imprison someone,
banish them, or even chop off their head! It helps to remember that before any one of us can choose
not to be cruel, we have to understand what cruelty is. Play provides a safe way for children to
learn about cruelty in all its many forms.
The most sincere compliment a child can pay to an adult is to say, "come play with me!" When children ask an adult to play with them, it is often because they want to share their happiest experiences with the most important person in their life: you.
For both adults and children, play helps us connect with one another as well as offering a welcome relief from stress. Play is where children show us the inner feelings and experiences that they can't or won't talk about. As Lawrence Cohen,
author of "Playful Parenting" says, "We need to hear what our children have to say,
and they need us to hear them. That's why we have to join children where they live, on their terms."
And most importantly, play is just about fun-something many parents feel is in short supply in their lives. Play time reminds us that life doesn't have to be so serious all the
time...and how nice it is to take a break from parenting as such a big responsibility, and just have a good time together with your children!
All too often, parents find it hard to let go, not be in control, and just enjoy playing with their kids. Common complaints from parents
include: "it's boring, the same stuff over and over again"... or, "all he wants to do is order me around!"...
or, "I try to show him how to build a better castle, but he only wants to blast it to the ground-so what's the point?"
There are two important secrets I'd like to share about having a great time while playing with your child. The first secret is about the grown up: You don't have to be such a know-it-all. Loosen up! Be silly! Embarrass yourself!
You have the other 23-½ hours of the day to prove to your child, and yourself, how responsible you are. Play time is a chance to find your ridiculous inner self and let her out.
The second secret to playing together with your child is to accept your child just as she is at this moment in time. Play time is for wondering, pretending, and exploring-not for teaching, correcting, or reprimanding. This is not a time to teach those precious little morality lessons that parents often feel compelled to offer. There will be many other opportunities to teach the importance of being kind, sharing, and not cheating. The middle of play time is not one of them. Uphold your basic limits about safety and time, and let the rest go for the time being.
Fortunately, it isn't hard work to do it right when playing together with your children. Your child will show you what he or she needs most right now. If your daughter wants you to play the bad guy and she is the powerful superhero-then feeling powerful and victorious is probably what she needs most today. If your son wants to pretend to be a little baby and needs you to cuddle him sweetly-then feeling nurtured and cherished is what he needs most right.
The hardest part of play time for parents is probably the part where they choose to make time to play with their kids. The rest is comparatively
easy...let the child take responsibility for what to play and how to play, and then simply follow your child's lead.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT, is both an experienced parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP)
and a Family Therapist working with families with children and adolescents in Takoma Park and Kensington.
This spring, PEP is offering a 3 part workshop entitled:
"Managing Anger: A User's Guide" on Thursdays, 4/21, 4/28, and 5/5, from 7:30 - 9:30 pm.
For more information, contact PEP at 301-929-8824 or visit
www.ParentEncouragement.org.
To contact Emory, call 301-588-1451, or email:
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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