|
|
|
"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
"Fighting For A Place in the Family"
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT
Published in the Takoma Voice, June 2005
|
Sometimes we feel that raising a family is like building a sand castle at the seashore;
and the children's quarrels are the waves of the sea that undermine the castle.
|
Over the years, I have given talks to many parent groups on subjects ranging from toilet training to
homework--and everything else in between. Whatever the program's topic, I can always be
sure that the same question will be asked sometime before the evening is over: "How can I stop my kids
from fighting with each other?"
The kids fight at the dinner table, they fight in the car, they fight in the bathroom, they fight about everything, and they fight about nothing. If there was a way to measure how much air each one was breathing, they would quarrel about that too. The fights themselves are so crazy, that parents go crazy just listening to them.
We love our children and we love our family-is it too much to ask them to love each other? Maybe you even planned to have more than one child because you didn't want your first-born to be 'lonely.' Now that you are living in the middle of a battle zone, you sometimes question your own sanity! Sometimes we feel that raising a family is like building a sand castle at the seashore; and the children's quarrels are the waves of the sea that undermine the castle. The harder we try to pour more sand onto the castle and pat it back into shape, the more frustrating it is when the foundations keep washing away.
The children are also working on the family 'sandcastle,' each one working to claim their own share of the sand and build their own part of the castle. In the process, the kids are working to define themselves and figure out how to belong in their
family. "Am I the smart kid in the family? Am I the family problem child?
Am I the cute one who makes everyone laugh? Am I the quiet child who everyone overlooks?"
As a child jockeys to find his or her position in the family, there is always the potential for competition with siblings. When the family atmosphere is not highly competitive, the rivalry between siblings is less intense. Most families have some kind of low-energy, low-intensity fussing going on between siblings much of the time. Wrestling, bickering, and mild complaining is often what children in a family enjoy doing the most with their siblings. Sometimes this serves as entertainment, sometimes it helps blow off steam, and sometimes it is just for practice. Kids are as likely to laugh as to yell during this type of sibling exercise.
When the family atmosphere is more competitive, the rivalry between siblings becomes more heated. Without realizing it, parents often fuel the competition by the way they respond:
Mark and his younger brother Colin are building with Legos. "Look at my fantastic spaceship!" Mark directs
Colin. "Yeah, and look at MY spaceship," responds Colin. "My spaceship is better," responds Mark.
"Your spaceship doesn't have turbo blasters and rockets like mine." Colin feels offended, but doesn't
say anything. He has a better idea...as he continues to build, he 'accidentally' bumps into Mark's
spaceship and it breaks. Mark explodes, as Colin knew he would, and he slugs Colin in the shoulder.
Colin screams, "Mark hit me!" and Mom comes running. "What happened? Why can't you boys get along?" she
storms at them. Colin runs to Mom for sympathy, and Mark hangs his head while Mom reminds them both
again about the rules of fair play. The boys keep making faces at each other, and don't bother
listening to Mom because they already know her lecture by heart!
Mark and Colin have had a lot of practice in developing their "fight" routine.
It is important to Mark to stay several steps ahead of his younger brother Colin.
He periodically reinforces this by showing off to Colin, and criticizes anything Colin does.
Colin feels the sting of his brother's criticism, but has leveled the playing field by
becoming a master in the art of pushing Mark's "button." Mark allows himself to be
provoked and uses that as justification for hitting his younger brother (using the
precise amount of force to hurt, but not really cause damage). Colin has developed the
skill of screaming at the exact level of intensity (not too loud, not too soft, with a
note of pathetic anguish) to bring Mom running. Mom tries to demonstrate fairness by
sympathizing with Mark that his little brother is annoying (score 1 for Mark) while
comforting Colin for how rough his older brother is when he 'loses' his temper (score 1 for
Colin). Results of power struggle: a tie. Problem solving: zero. Learning: zero.
Chances this scene will be repeated: 100%
Many times, kids cooperate so smoothly in their fights that the only one who doesn't know what is going on is the parent. In the example above, Mark and Colin are using Mom to continue their rivalry. They both benefit by escalating their quarrel to get their Mom to come running and to hand out the 'points.'
What would happen if Mom (and Dad) decided that they are going to stay out of the boy's drama?
If Mom or Dad begin to say something like, "work it out, or go find something else to do," most of the
rewards of fighting would disappear. They boys will probably still quarrel from time to time (no use in letting the old skills get too rusty!) but the intensity of the conflict will remain low. In reality, parents should view most children's fights with skepticism: if each child could get up and go somewhere else, but they don't; then why are they staying and fighting? If each child knows the basics of respect and fair play, then why are they choosing to do it differently?
Everything that happens in a family-including fighting-is an opportunity for children to learn about themselves and how to relate to others. Trusting our kids to learn how to handle their relationships with each other, even when it is done imperfectly, is the best way to keep fights from escalating. As child guidance expert Rudolf Dreikurs
wrote, "As long as we do things for our children, they cannot learn how to manage for themselves."
Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT, is both an experienced parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program
(PEP) and a Family Therapist working with families with children and adolescents in Takoma Park and Kensington.
This summer, PEP is offering their series of one night parent education programs on a wide variety of topics
from July 7 through July 28.
For more information, contact PEP at 301-929-8824 or visit
www.ParentEncouragement.org.
To contact Emory, call 301-588-1451, or email:
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
|
