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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
"I DON'T Want to Go to School Today!"
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT
Published in Washington Parent, September 2005
It is breakfast time on Monday morning, and the children are sitting at the table eating.
Nine-year-old Molly moans softly. There is no response, so she throws down her spoon and cries,
"My stomach hurts. I can't eat this cereal. I'm sick!" Her mother looks up in concern,
"Oh no, Molly, you missed school three days last week and you stayed home sick the week before that, too!"
Molly's face crumples, "I really am sick, Mom, I'm going to throw up!" She rushes to the bathroom, and her
mother follows as Molly begins to retch into the toilet. Her mother helps her clean up and then walks her
back to her bed to tuck her in. Mom will have to call her office again to tell them she can't come in,
and she must try to get Molly back in to see the doctor today. They didn't find anything the last time
this happened, but maybe this time something really is the matter with Molly.
Almost every child complains about school at some point, and many children occasionally make up creative reasons to stay home from school. But sometimes a child will develop a
pattern of feeling "sick" over and over again in order to avoid going to school. Most common
between the ages of 8 and 13, children who complain of illness to stay out of school are often trying to
avoid uncomfortable problems and feelings associated with school. Typically, children who plead illness
to stay home will complain about nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, exhaustion, or headaches.
Sometimes these are children who have difficulty dealing with uncomfortable emotions.
Some of these children are afraid of being criticized or evaluated in school.
And a few school-avoidant children are genuinely frightened about things such as bullying,
riding the school bus, or being called upon in class.
Of course, any recurring physical complaints need to be reported to the child's physician so that they can be checked out. But when no physical cause can be found, it can be assumed there are emotional reasons behind your child's distress and subsequent refusal to go to school.
Without a doubt, school can sometimes be a tough experience for young children. It is also common for children to experience fearfulness and anxiety and other emotions as headaches or stomachaches. When children make the connection that their headaches or sick stomachs make it possible for them to stay out of school, it may seem like a logical solution to their school problems.
Unfortunately, this imperfect "solution" doesn't help the children learn that they have the courage to deal with life's difficulties and challenges. It also creates even more problems for child and family. Every day that a child misses classes only makes it that much harder for the child to regain her confidence, to return to school and to feel successful again with her schoolwork and her peer relationships.
It is important to look for anything in the school environment that might lead to school refusal. For instance, a child might want to avoid experiencing harsh criticism or ridicule at school; learning difficulties may make a child afraid to read aloud or speak out in class; self-consciousness, a poor appearance, weight problems, or immature social skills can make a child vulnerable to bullying or have difficulties in making friends.
In addition to problems directly related to school, the uncomfortable feelings that cause a child to want to stay home from school can come from many sources. Family changes, such as a move, an illness, or divorce, can increase a child's anxiety and make her want to stay closer to home. Other reasons include general fearfulness about being away from parents or being alone; troubles going to sleep and/or having nightmares; or exaggerated fears of animals, monsters or other nemeses, real or pretend.
"OK!" says Mom brightly, "The doctor says there is nothing wrong with you, and you
just finished your hamburger, so I guess I'll take you back to school now, OK?
You'll be all right now, won't you?" Molly's lip begins to tremble, and her cheeks become flushed
while her eyes fill with tears. "N-n-n-no, Mommy, I can't go back to school today, I just can't!"
Molly's mom feels terrible seeing her daughter cry and shiver all over again. It seems like
driving her to school this afternoon will only make her little girl even more frightened.
Maybe the trauma of forcing her to go to school will cause her daughter irreparable harm!
"Shhh, sweetie," says her mother, "It's OK, Mommy's here. I won't make you go if you
really don't want to."
Mom is unsure about what to do. When her daughter is sick, with a virus or with fear, all of her instincts tell her to comfort and care for her little girl. On the other hand, if
Molly is only "pretending" to be sick, then what should she do? Could she really walk Molly into school tomorrow morning while she screams and cries and threatens to throw up? But if she allows Molly to stay home with her day after day, then what? Will she ever go back to school again? Will Mom have to quit her job?
While Molly cuddles with the cat and watches a video, Mom picks up the phone to call the school
counselor. "I need some advice," she says sheepishly. "My daughter keeps missing
school because she says she feels sick, and the doctor says there is nothing wrong with her.
Can you tell me if anything is happening at school that she might be so worried about that she wants to
stay home every day?" They schedule an appointment to meet and to make a plan to help
Molly return to school. The school counselor thanks her for her call and
promises to talk to Molly's teachers.
Children who want to avoid situations where they feel anxious or frightened are often insecure, sensitive and easily overwhelmed by their emotions. Parents can help the most by having faith in their child's ability to learn how to handle both her fears and her problems. When parents express both compassion for their child's feelings and confidence in her ability to overcome her problems, she will respond with an increased sense of courage and a willingness to take risks. When parents commiserate with their child and express their worries and doubts about a child's abilities, the child responds with greater fearfulness and greater reluctance to take risks.
It is helpful for us, as parents, to remember the differences between helping our child with
her feelings and her
problems. We can always express our sympathies about difficult and uncomfortable feelings
("I can see how scared you feel. I bet it doesn't feel good to be so nervous that your stomach hurts.").
At the same time, we can also express our confidence in the child's abilities to find solutions to difficult
problems ("You're the kind of kid who can figure out the ending to the story before we finish
reading the book-I bet you can think of some good ways to solve this problem, too.").
Young children often don't have enough experience to make the connection between their problems and their feelings-both
emotional and physical. Parents can help children find that connection through sensitive listening and questioning.
Molly and her dad are having special time, sitting at the table together and painting watercolors.
"You have been going to your new school for several weeks now, Molly, what do you like or not like about it?"
Dad asks. "It's a terrible school, Dad," Molly says seriously, "the teachers are hard and it's an ugly school."
"OK," says Dad. "The teachers are hard, and you think it is ugly. What else do you like or not like about it?"
"The kids aren't nice," says Molly, "It's a bad school." "Hmm, 'not nice' kids...what does 'not nice' mean?" asks Dad.
"They don't let new kids sit next to them at lunch time, they only want to play with each other at recess, and
they're always talking about Julie's stupid birthday party like it's some kind of a big deal!" "I wonder if your
feelings are hurt when the girls do things together and leave you out of it?" asks Dad. "I wonder if hurt feelings
are also making your tummy feel sick?" "I don't know," replies Molly. "Well, it's something to think about,"
responds Dad.
Parents with children who are avoiding attending school by complaining of illness often have to make changes in how they respond to their children's complaints. It helps to first clarify what symptoms of illness will permit any child in the family to stay home from school, such as a fever or repeated vomiting. Children are then reassured that their physical health will be cared for, but that vague complaints of illness or nausea will not be taken seriously. It also is useful to have a standard policy about what children who stay home sick are allowed and not allowed to do, including rules about television, computers and video games.
Schools and parents can work together to uncover any hidden problems that are troubling the student. A favorite teacher or staff person may be able to greet your child in the morning and walk her to class. Teachers can talk one-on-one with the child to reassure her that they do indeed like her and want her to succeed. Sometimes a teacher may have a strict or a joking teaching style that the child has not encountered before and doesn't know what to make of it-talking together can help them understand each other better. School counselors often run friendship groups to help children learn appropriate social skills that will help them find a place with their peers. Special education services can help a child with learning disabilities. Any bullying or excluding by peers can also be addressed appropriately by the school staff so that your child feels safe once again.
Occasionally, children's anxieties are so great or long-lasting that outside support is needed. Children and their families can benefit from therapy services that help everyone feel more encouraged and courageous. Family therapy, for instance, can address old family patterns of anxious parenting and anxious children and help change them into more healthy and beneficial family styles. Parenting classes, such as those taught by the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP), teach parents specific skills for addressing problems and for helping their children build confidence and courage. It can also be very supportive to be in classes with other parents who face similar parenting challenges.
Ultimately, the goal is for your child to return to school, confident and comfortable and ready to learn. Encouraging children to face their problems as well as their fears will help them regain confidence in themselves and in their abilities to be good problem solvers. It becomes an upward spiral, as even small successes increase their faith in themselves and their willingness to tackle the next fear or anxiety. They will both feel and be more prepared to face whatever challenges life presents.
The Parent Encouragement Program's Tips for helping a child who is anxious and wants to avoid school:
- Consult with a physician to rule out any physical problems.
- Talk to the teacher, school counselor and other appropriate school staff. Develop a joint plan.
- Help your child learn the difference between the problem and the feeling.
- Sympathize with your child's feelings, without pitying or undermining her ability to address her problems.
- Listen to your child for clues about what problem is keeping her from wanting to be in school.
- Encourage your child by reminding her of other difficult problems she has handled, by not pitying her or responding
to her fears with your fears; and by showing her you believe she can handle uncomfortable feelings until the
situation improves.
- Provide training and role-play practice to help her gradually face scary situations; make friends or solve
problems in her friendships; cope with teasing or bullying; or be assertive and speak up for herself.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT, is a family therapist with offices in Takoma Park and at the Family Encouragement
Center in Kensington, Maryland. As a Certified Parent Educator, she teaches classes and workshops for the
Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). Emory can be reached by e-mail at:
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
PEP, the Parent Encouragement Program teaches classes to parents of children from birth through the teen years.
301-929-8824. www.ParentEncouragement.org
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