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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
Becoming a "Mistake-Friendly"Family
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT
Published in the Takoma Voice, September 2005
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...since we are raising imperfect children to live successfully in an imperfect world-the most useful skill
we can teach our kids is how to make mistakes well.
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It's the beginning of a new school year, and Emily's parents are sending her off to classes in the morning with the inspiring
words: "Do your best!" Her parents hope that Emily hears the real message underlying those words that is
saying "we want you to be as successful as you possibly can!"
Like Emily's parents, most parents feel that it is their job to help their children find success in life. Emily's parents sincerely hope that their daughter's success in life will make her happy. They also believe, deep down, that Emily's successes will show the world that they are good parents. What better proof is there of their devotion as parents than little Emily's good grades, her soccer skills and her musical talents?
The opposite is also true for many of us-we're afraid that our children's "failures" will
reflect our own failures as parents. It is very painful to watch your smart kid dawdle over her homework or shrug her shoulders
and say "so what?" about getting a good grade on Friday's spelling test. "What have we done wrong?" we
wonder. "How can she not want to be smart and successful?" Fearful of messing up as parents, we pass that pressure down to our children. So we push our kids harder and harder to succeed the way we think they should, whether they want to or not.
Along the way we also send our kids some very confusing signals about what is, and isn't, success. We also leave unanswered the big unspoken question: if the child isn't a success-at everything they do, and every time they do it-than what are they?
The problem with telling children to always "do your best!" is that we are teaching children to believe that anything less than their best is a disappointment and a failure. From such good parenting intentions do little perfectionists grow. Some perfectionist children will believe that they must succeed at everything they try or life isn't worth living. Many more perfectionist children find that, realistically, there is no way they can succeed the way they are encouraged to, and so they simply give up trying. Underneath every bright, but underachieving, child is a hidden perfectionist who is painfully aware of what a disappointment he or she is.
Focusing on doing and being the "best," ignores the reality that no one can be wonderful at everything, every day. A world where everyone is always doing their best and no one ever makes mistakes would be a fantasy world. Yet, in the real world, mistakes are normal, everyday experiences. Reality is perfectly imperfect.
Therefore, in order to teach our imperfect children how to live successfully in an imperfect world-the most useful skill we can give our kids is the ability to make mistakes well. A successful mistake is one that teaches us something we didn't know before; that tells us that we need to change direction and do something different; or that reminds us that we have the courage to mess up and still get back up on our feet and try again.
Thomas Edison, for instance, was an expert at making mistakes. He reportedly tested more than 6,000 materials as he sought to invent the light bulb. Did he feel like a failure after #649 didn't work? How about the day the #2564, #2565, and #2567 blew up in his face? Was Edison ashamed? Did he try to hide the evidence of his failures or blame his co-workers for their mistakes? Or did Edison ever feel really stupid for getting it wrong time after time?
No. Edison saw his mistakes as learning opportunities and viewed them with curiosity rather than shame. In a quote often attributed to
Edison, he said, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
No child is born with the goal of becoming the best, but every child is born with an innate drive to learn and to become more skillful and knowledgeable so that they will thrive in the world. Along the way, growing children will invariably make many mistakes and experience a lot of frustration. What children need most then, is to learn from their parents how to make friends with mistakes. When the focus is on effort, not results, than every attempt to learn or improve a skill can be appreciated. When children are not afraid to make mistakes, than they find the courage and determination to really succeed.
Every effort to learn something new means the risk of making mistakes. Learning is also hard work.
As Edison also said, "Genius is one per cent inspiration, ninety-nine per cent perspiration." Getting good at making mistakes inevitably leads to more more risk taking, more effort and more learning. Ultimately, the children who are the most comfortable taking risks to learn and master new skills will ultimately be the most successful-first as children and later as adults.
To make your family more "mistake friendly," begin by modeling your own comfort with your mistakes.
Replace the words, "that was dumb!" with "I haven't learned how to do this yet!" Recognize any effort or small improvement in a
child's work. "Last week you couldn't have answered that homework question, now you know it!"
As parenting author Jane Nelson says, wouldn't it be great if someone said to every child heading out the door to school
in the morning, "Have fun! Make lots of mistakes...and learn from them!!!"
Now that would be a great way for a kid to start the day!
Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT, is both an experienced parent educator with the Parent
Encouragement Program (PEP) and a Family Therapist working with families with
children and adolescents in Takoma Park and Kensington.
The introductory PEP I class will begin Thursday mornings on
September 29 in downtown Silver Spring. For more information about other PEP classes and programs,
contact PEP at 301-929-8824 or visit www.ParentEncouragement.org.
To contact Emory, call 301-588-1451 or e-mail emory@emorylucebaldwin.com
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