|
|
|
"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
"How many times do I have to tell you...?"
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT
Published in the Takoma Voice, January 2006
|
Sam and Zack are happily playing in the fort that they have built between their two back yards.
They both glance up when they hear Sam's mother calling for him to come inside and get ready for dinner.
Sam doesn't respond, however, and continues to play until finally Zack asks him,
"Didn't you hear your Mom calling you?"
"Sure," replies Sam cheerfully, "but I don't have to go yet.
She never means it until the third time!"
|
Somewhere there must be a land of perfect parents and perfect children where Moms
and Dads can ask their children to do something-only once!-and the kids just do what they're asked.
Perhaps in the land of perfect parents and perfect children, the children are even cheerful about
doing what they're asked…!
But here in the world of everyday families, parents often find themselves repeating…and repeating…and repeating themselves. Sometimes their children nod agreeably, and then continue to do exactly what they want and at their own speed. Other times, their children may grit their jaw and furrow their brow and flatly refuse to do what they've been asked, while daring their parents to "make me!"
Even the most mature adult can soon be reduced to seething frustration when the most reasonable of requests are ignored and defied by their children. After all, isn't it written somewhere that good parents are supposed to know what's right, to tell their kids what they need to do, and then the kids are just supposed to do it?
That seems to be the plan, but it hardly ever works that way.
In frustration and anger, formerly calm and reasonable of adults find themselves yelling
louder and louder as they try to make their kids listen and behave they way they want them to.
Sometimes parents even anticipate trouble before it is started, "I can never make him listen!
She always gives me such a hard time when I ask her to do any little thing!" Expecting the worst,
Moms and Dads make their requests with a hard edge to their voice and braced for
battle, "you'd better listen to me or else!" "Or else" is the great unspecified threat used by
parents everywhere. We don't know what "else" really is-but we want you to believe it is really,
really BAD.
In situations like these, parents are taking full responsibility for controlling their children. At first, young children will respond to the implied threat of "or else" threat with fearful submissiveness-but they later learn that there is no real "or else." That is when children find that stubbornness and sneakiness can go far in undermining their parent's control. After all, you can't get in trouble if you don't get caught. (I worry about the families where the "or else" threat is the biggest, baddest trick in the parent's tool kit. These are the parents who feel the most undermined when their kids hit adolescence. When their kids learn that they really have little to fear from their parents, they also have little respect for their parents as well. Without fear or respect, these parents do not have much influence of any kind with their teens.)
Other times parents think that if their children just really understood what they were being asked to do and why it's so important, then of course their children would up and cooperate. These are the parents who give thoughtful and lengthy descriptions of all the bad things that can happen in life from uncontrolled tooth decay or not hanging up one's clothes and taking proper care of one's possessions. This approach has the advantage of giving parents the comforting illusion that they're like Jedi Masters with much to teach their young apprentices. Unfortunately, it's also not very effective. Kids can tell when parents are talking, talking, talking for their own pleasure and amusement. They may humor us by not interrupting, but that doesn't mean they're listening or agreeing with us.
So how can we get our kids to listen? For one thing, children (and everyone else, too) want to
listen when their own self-interest is engaged. If I really, really, really want a kid to hear what I have to say, I begin by asking what he or she thinks about the issue or the problem. I then might mention that I, too, just happen to have some thoughts on the subject. And then I casually ask, "would you like to hear what I think?" I have never met a kid who can stand to think that I know something that they don't know. They can't bear it, and they have to ask. And then I get to tell them what I think, comfortable with the knowledge that I have their full attention. What a sweet feeling…
Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT, is both an experienced parent educator with the Parent
Encouragement Program (PEP) and a Family Therapist working with families with
children and adolescents in Takoma Park and Kensington.
For information about PEP classes and programs,
contact PEP at 301-929-8824 or visit www.ParentEncouragement.org.
To contact Emory, call 301-588-1451 or e-mail emory@emorylucebaldwin.com
|
