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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
Getting Through Tough Times
"The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT
Published in the Takoma Voice, February 2006
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Parents often feel unsure about how to tell whether their child is just unhappy or is truly suffering.
Part of the confusion is due to the differences in how troubled children show that they are in pain.
It isn't always easy to tell whether a child is just going
through a rough patch or whether they are in over their head and need extra help.
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A few month's ago, Maryann's parents told her that they are getting divorced. Her Daddy moved out of their home and into his own apartment. Maryann seems to be doing ok, but she is now so painfully well-behaved, it is like she is trying to be a 'model' child. Her parents wonder, "Should we worry?"... Jack's best friend moved out of state last summer, and he still cries when he talks about missing Ben. His parents wonder,
"Is this normal?"... Zara's Mommy just started a new job and isn't home now until almost 8 o'clock. Zara was always strong willed, but now her temper
tantrums are blowing the roof off the house! Her Mom asks, "Will Zara ride this out or should she get help?"
Every child goes through some difficult times. Some of these experiences are as ordinary as the birth of a new sibling, arguments with a close friend, conflict in the home, a move to a new school, or a parent's extra-long absence from the home.
Other times children have to deal with even greater challenges, such as depression, parent's divorce, a lengthy illness or death in the family. A few unfortunate children must deal with the aftermath of traumatic events such as being the victim of an assault or a natural disaster.
Parents often feel unsure about how to tell whether their child is just unhappy or is truly suffering. Part of the confusion is because there are differences in how troubled children show that they are in pain. It isn't always easy to tell whether a child is just going through a rough patch or whether they are in over their head and need extra help.
As adults, we sometimes overlook how much pain a child is in. Sometimes it is because we mistakenly underestimate children's problems and do not see how important they are. Other times it is because our child isn't telling us about their worries and fears, maybe because they are feeling ashamed or maybe because they think no one will be interested or understand them. Even children who have been through major disasters may minimize or hide how badly they are hurting, because they don't want to add to their parent's stress and grief.
Children who are suffering usually show how they are feeling through their behavior, not their words. Typical behavior for one child might become much, much worse-a normally cautious child, for example, might become extremely tense and fearful. Other children may start behaving in ways that are quite the opposite from what you usually expect from them-such as a normally noisy and boisterous child becoming very withdrawn and quiet.
Troubled children often find themselves in more trouble, not less, because they act out their feelings in ways that adults don't like. Children don't always tell us how they feel, but they always show us when something is wrong. The extra-whiny, clingy and demanding child is just as troublesome as the child who is defiant, aggressive, and angry. Even the child who is trying too hard to be good and never make mistakes is showing us that they don't feel safe right now. School work almost always becomes a problem for a troubled child, because he or she has a harder time paying attention and doing class work.
The best way to help your child deal with the hard things in life that come their way is to encourage a relationship with your child where they feel safe in talking about anything and everything. We all experience our emotions best when we can share them with others and feel both heard and understood.
Your child may also need your help to feel hopeful and optimistic again. Children appreciate being reminded that painful feelings do not last forever and that their setbacks are temporary, not permanent. Finally, children often need help in discerning that they are responsible for only a small part, or maybe even no part, of their problems.
As children heal, their troubling behaviors will typically occur less frequently, with less intensity, and improve within a reasonable amount of time. If your child doesn't seem to be improving as time goes by, then it may be time to consult with a child or family therapist who is knowledgeable about children's experiences with loss and grief. Childhood is a time for learning and practicing life skills, including the skills of experiencing fear and sadness. Although we always regret seeing our children suffer, how fortunate we are to be able to comfort and support them through their first tough times.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT, is both an experienced parent educator with the Parent
Encouragement Program (PEP) and a Family Therapist working with families with
children and adolescents in Takoma Park and Kensington.
On March 4, 11, and 18, she will be teaching the "Helping Your Underachieving Child" class.
For information about PEP classes and programs,
contact PEP at 301-929-8824 or visit www.ParentEncouragement.org.
To contact Emory, call 301-588-1451 or e-mail emory@emorylucebaldwin.com
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