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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
Your One and Only Child
"The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT
Published in the Takoma Voice, March 2006
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The paradox of parenting an only child is finding the right balance: not babying your only baby,
and not expecting the world from your child because he is your one and only.
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When many of today's parents were still children, it was considered unusual for parents to choose to have only one child. In the baby-boomer 50s, families averaged over 3.5 children! But modern families have continued to grow smaller and smaller, to the point that average families today have only 1.8 children. While families with 2 or more children continue to be the most common-families with only one child are no longer unusual. Today, over 40% of all families with children have no more than one child.
Popular thinking about children growing up without siblings created many negative stereotypes about
the "spoiled only child". Only children were often pitied for growing up lonely and selfish. It was commonly expected that only children were pampered and over-protected without the distraction and involvement of other children in the household.
Fortunately, research has confirmed that there are many advantages to being an only child. For instance, only children tend to score higher on measures of intelligence and they also achieve more, academically and in
other ways, than children with siblings. It also turns out that children without siblings do not necessarily have any more problems socially than children with siblings. In fact, only children have been found to have just as many close friends and to feel as happy and satisfied with their lives as children with siblings.
Parenting an only child has its own rewards and challenges. It is less stressful to only have one child in the household and to be able to devote more time and financial resources to one child. On the other hand, with only one child, it is easy for parents to go overboard in giving too much to your child or in expecting too much in return. The paradox of parenting an only child is finding the right balance: not babying your only baby and not expecting the world from your child because he is your one and only.
Only children are always in the spotlight and that means they experience a lot of parental "feedback."
That feedback can tell them that they are always "wonderful" and can push them to
always be "the best that you can be!" Too much attention, no matter how loving, can be
overwhelming. It is also unfair to set your child up with unrealistic expectations. Few adults expect themselves to always be wonderful, or to always be the best at what they do. Common sense tells us that everyone has their off days, their less-than wonderful times, and that no one will be the best at everything or all the time. Many only children already tend to be perfectionists because they are modeling themselves after their idealized parents. It helps these children a great deal to know that everyone is allowed to make and learn from mistakes, and that life is more about becoming better and not being the best.
Parents of only children will probably feel grateful that sibling rivalry will be one problem they won't have to deal with. Unfortunately, it won't be that easy. All children will copy and compare themselves with the people around them in their family in order to figure out who they want to be. Only children, for instance, still manage to find 'sibling rivalry' experiences for themselves, but they may have to look harder for it. For instance, I have often heard only children bitterly complain about how Mom or Dad spoils the family pet way too much!
The natural intensity of the parent-child relationship is magnified when there is only one child.
Many only children struggle to establish boundaries with their parents throughout their lives.
Parents of "onlies" have to remember not to always put their child first or to try and be their
child's "everything." Only children need emotional and physical space for themselves to develop their own autonomy.
Finally, only children, like all children, ultimately need to hear their parents say to them: "Go out into the world. It is safe and you can manage." All children eventually choose their own path. No parent will have the final say in what kind of person their child becomes. Much of what a child becomes will depend upon the child's own temperament, circumstances, and the choices they make. We parents must comfort ourselves with the knowledge that our child's separation from us does not mean we lose them. No matter how big a child gets, they will always want their parent's love and support.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT, is both an experienced parent educator with the Parent
Encouragement Program (PEP) and a Family Therapist working with families with
children and adolescents in Takoma Park and Kensington.
For information about PEP classes and programs,
contact PEP at 301-929-8824 or visit www.ParentEncouragement.org.
To contact Emory, call 301-588-1451 or e-mail emory@emorylucebaldwin.com
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