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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
"Don't Worry About It!"
"The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT
Published in the Takoma Voice, May 2006
In honor of Mother's Day, I dedicate this month's column to all the mothers out there who worry about their children. Mothers everywhere take an awful lot of responsibility for making sure that their children are growing up right; and, over the years, that translates into plenty to worry about. There are few guarantees in life or parenting, but here are some very common problems with kids that you don't really need to worry about (too much).
(1) Little Janey can be so rude to her play mates and she acts like she doesn't care about what anyone else thinks! Will she grow up to be a spoiled little brat who will never have friends?
Mother Nature clearly has a sense of humor, and she plays a big practical joke on us parents by giving us children who love to play with other children years before they have workable social skills. The good news is that children can begin learning and using basic social skills long before they really understand how sharing and cooperation work.
Very young children can be taught to go through the motions of sharing and taking turns with play mates. By the time Janey is about 5 or 6 years old, she will begin to understand that sharing and taking turns with her friends is a fair and reasonable way to play more and fight less. For now, you can rest assured that teaching Janey the principles of fair play with her friends will lay the foundation for her to become a caring person as well…eventually.
(2) All Michael wants to do is play with guns and pretend to kill bad guys…how do I get him to play less violent and more peaceful games?
I remember feeling terribly embarrassed when I stood with my son's preschool teacher and watched him run around with the other kids using wood chips for a pretend gun battle. I sheepishly admitted I was a Quaker pacifist and had no idea how to dampen his intense enthusiasm for gun play. "Don't worry," she said cheerfully, "all the kids from the pacifist families play war games the most!"
It isn't a coincidence, I think, that children's war play begins around 4 or 5 when they are first becoming aware of the wider world outside their home. As parents are always reminding their kids, there are a lot of dangers out there (unfriendly dogs, cars in the street, the possibility of getting lost, or even worse, being snatched by a stranger). Little wonder, then, that so much of children's play is about defending oneself from danger.
There is nothing to be gained by censuring children's imaginary games, even when they include pretend weapons and violence. Children's imaginary play allows them to work through their fears and to feel more capable and confident when faced with imaginary enemies. This doesn't mean you have to outfit your son with a plastic Uzi, however. But if he makes guns with his Tinker-Toys, don't worry about it.
(3) Marcy is such a picky eater! There are only about 4 things I can make for dinner that she will eat. When will she learn to like more types of food?
There is something so basic about a parent's responsibility to feed their child, that many parents lose all their good sense when faced with their little angel's refusal to eat something. It is absolutely true that we can't force (and don't want to force) a child to eat. At the same time, we can respect our child's choice not to eat something without losing our own self respect and begging or bribing the child to make them eat.
To put it simply, parents are responsible for providing a variety of wholesome foods, prepared in a tasty way, and served at reasonable meal times…and the rest is up to the child. Malnourished children are not cranky, fussy, or picky eaters-but pampered children certainly can be when adults are catering to their particular demands.
Watching their parents prepare, eat and enjoy a variety of good foods is the most effective way for children to learn about enjoying all types of food. When my children were young, I would put one small spoonful of the objectionable food on their plate-just to sniff it, push it around, and make friends with it. Children often need repeated introductions to a new food before they will try it. In most cases, the less you worry about your child's eating, the healthier your child's eating habits will be.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT, is both an experienced parent educator with the Parent
Encouragement Program (PEP) and a Family Therapist working with families with
children and adolescents in Takoma Park and Kensington.
For information about PEP classes and programs,
contact PEP at 301-929-8824 or visit www.ParentEncouragement.org.
To contact Emory, call 301-588-1451 or e-mail emory@emorylucebaldwin.com
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