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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
"Games Parents Play"
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT
Published in the Takoma Voice, December 2006
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Research shows that the way most parents attempt to discipline their children simply doesn't work.
In one laboratory recording of parent and child communication,
the researchers found children ignored their parent's directions almost 60% of the time!
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First, the bad news: research shows that the way most parents attempt to discipline their children simply doesn't work. In one laboratory recording of parent and child communication, the researchers found children ignored their parent's directions almost 60% of the time!
It's not that children don't care about their parents. And it isn't because parents aren't trying hard enough. The problem is that many parents operate from some mistaken assumptions about the roles of parents and children that are very hard to give up.
Professor and family therapist Mel Merkowski has adapted a menu of the kinds of mistaken "games" parents and teachers often play with children. Here are a few of them to consider:
The Referee Game: Adults playing referees mistakenly believe that they can instill in the children a sense of fair play by interfering in the children's fights, quarrels, and disagreements. Adults try to find out who started the fights, who is right and wrong, and they try to make sure that all fights follow the rules.
The problem is that children don't learn how to resolve disagreements themselves when adults do it for them. Children also learn how to play the roles of "victim" or "perpetrator" with each other, trusting that an adult will come rescue them. It is better to assume that children can avoid or resolve their own conflicts, if given that responsibility.
The Cry Wolf Game: Adults believe that they can threaten children into good behavior, but do not intend to follow through with their threats. For example, adults will say, "If I ever catch you doing that again, that will be the end!" Adults do this because they mistakenly believe that fear is an effective change agent.
The problem is that children figure out very quickly that the adult is only pretending, and they lose respect for the adult's words. Children also learn to enjoy playing the game of baiting the adults to get them to cry wolf, gambling that the adult is only faking.
The Big Business Game: In this game, children put their good behavior up for sale. Children and adults bargain and bribe each other. Adults offer goodies such as candy, money, extra-privileges, etc. and children promise good behavior in return. Adults do this because they believe that their children cannot possibly choose to behave well without an extra incentive.
The problem is that children learn that the value of positive behavior is in what it will get them. When faced with situations where no reward is offered for good behavior, the child may choose to punish in return. Even when offered a reward for good behavior, a child may still choose the enjoyment of misbehavior rather than the reward.
The Cops and Robbers Game: Adults play the policeman role, their job being to catch children and make them suffer for their misbehavior. Adults mistakenly believe that children will not want to suffer, and will be afraid of getting caught.
The problem is that children learn to keep a sharp lookout for the policeman, and if no one is in sight and they won't get caught, they see a green light to misbehave. "Cops and Robbers" is a competitive game, and the harder the parents work to be a good cop, the more challenged children are to prove that they are just as good at being robbers.
The Master of Ceremonies Game: Children are labeled as good, bad, mean, bright, dumb, slow, stubborn, etc. Adults mistakenly believe that children won't like negative labels and will behave better to earn a more positive label. Or, adults may assume that children are eager to keep a good label, and will continue to perform for that privilege.
The problem is that children begin to believe that their labels are really them-whether they like them or not. This disconnects children from responsibility for their own choices: "No wonder I didn't do my homework, I'm lazy. It's no big deal I got this award, I'm smart."
The Game-Game: In this game, adults make everything a game rather than face the responsibilities of training children to get along in the world. Adults mistakenly think that childhood should be mostly about fun and games, and do not see the part of childhood that is preparation for life in the adult world.
The problem is that children need to be children, and they need adults who will behave like adults. Children need adults who are willing to be serious when it is required. When adults act as if everything is a game, children (who know the difference) cannot take them seriously.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT, is both an experienced parent educator with the Parent
Encouragement Program (PEP) and a Family Therapist working with families with
children and adolescents in Takoma Park and Kensington.
For more information about PEP classes and programs,
call 301-929-8824 or visit www.ParentEncouragement.org.
To contact Emory, call 301-588-1451 or e-mail emory@emorylucebaldwin.com
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