|
|
|
"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
"Responding to Revenge"
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT
Published in the Takoma Voice, January 2007
|
Now the parent has responded with punishment: "You're grounded!"
Will the child stay home tomorrow, thinking to herself,
"OK! I've learned my lesson, and from now on I plan to do what my parents tell me!"?
|
It was the first really big snow of the season-and the 8 year old child was wild to go out and play. "No," said her ever-so-reasonable-parents, "It is dark and dinner is on the table. But, school will probably be cancelled tonight, and you can play in the snow all day tomorrow."
This is a familiar situation for parents and children...a child is eager to do something right now, and the parent reasonably says,
"wait."
But this particular 8-year-old child was the descendent of ancestors who had crossed winter oceans in tiny wooden ships and traversed mountains and plains in covered wagons. Her parents' rules and reasons were but small trifles standing in her way when there was something she wanted as much as she wanted to play in the snow that night.
The child wants what the child wants. In most power struggles, it's not about making the parents happy or angry.
It is simply a matter of the child wanting to be their own boss.
Sneaking into her boots and parka, she slipped out the front door. When her mother spotted her and called her back in, she told her daughter that she would have to stay home and play in the yard the next day, instead of joining the other kids sledding at the middle school.
Now the parent has responded with punishment: "you're grounded!" Will the child stay home tomorrow, thinking to herself, "OK! I've learned my lesson, and from now on I plan to do what my parents tell me!"?
School was indeed cancelled the next day, and the little girl was reminded to play only in her yard. Without argument, she dressed and went outside to play. But an hour or so later, her mother realized that the child had disappeared. After a frantic search in the streets and many calls to nearby friends, the mother decided to check the sledding hills nearby. And of course, that was where the little girl was found.
The unfortunate fall out of punishment in a power struggle is often sneakiness and revenge. When we are hurt, our instinct is to hurt back...
As the two of them walked silently back through the snowy streets, the mother's head was spinning with shock and outrage. How DARE her child defy her like that?! Didn't she realize how dangerous it was to cross that busy street?! What could they do to make sure she never did something so outrageous and stupid again?!
It is moments of shock and fury like this that we are at our worst as parents.
Shock, fear, and rage are primal emotions, flooding the emotional centers of our brains,
and prompting us to react instead of think. It is always a good idea to take your time,
calm down, think carefully, and come up with a sensible plan.
When they finally reached the house and had pulled off their heavy clothes, the mother pulled her daughter down onto her lap in the big arm chair. "I was so scared when I couldn't find you," she said. "I looked everywhere. I kept thinking, 'How can I tell Daddy that we lost our little girl?" Trembling, the child collapsed against her mother as she tearfully told her how very sorry she was. The experience had scared her too. A car had just missed hitting her when she ran across the busy street with her sled.
The mother chose not to react with the hurt, anger and shock she was feeling. Because she kept her calm, the mother could use the most powerful influence she had with her daughter: her love. If the mother had screamed and punished (and boy, she would have like to!), the child would probably have shut down stoically to ride out the storm. Instead, the mother's calmness puts the focus on the child-allowing her to experience her own remorse and suffering. Undistracted by the mother's fury, the child can now focus on learning what she needs to learn from this experience.
"Well, what are we going to do about this then?" asked the mother. "I'm never going to go away like that
without asking again," promised the child. "And we're both pretty worn out, I think you had better
stay inside the rest of today too," added the mother and the child agreed. They ended the conversation with their arms around each other, quietly cuddling for a while, and each feeling very precious to the other.
Revenge behaviors (like lying, stealing, & running away) often happen after power struggles and punishment.
Revenge behavior is about the child wanting to shock and hurt the parents, often in retaliation for the
parents' hurting the child with punishment. More punishment simply continues the cycle-but upholding
limits and expressing love to a vengeful child often accomplishes miracles.
For more parenting ideas about how to handle child revenge, e-mail me at
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist working with families in Takoma Park and Kensington
and a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program
(PEP). To contact Emory, call 301-588-1451
or e-mail emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
|
