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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
History of Parenting Advice
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT
Published in the Takoma Voice, February 2007
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Then, and now, the responsibilities of preparing a child to go out into the world are so immense. The stakes are so high and the risks are so great when raising a child. How many opportunities will we have to get it right?
How many mistakes can we make, and still have our kids turn out ok? Every parent is afraid at times.
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From the letters, diaries, and other records left by parents in previous centuries, we find there was just as much uncertainty then as there is now about how to raise children. Parents have usually been clear that their primary tasks are to protect and teach their children. That's the easy part. The hard part-in centuries past as it is today-has been finding the right balance between affection and discipline. Too much affection and not enough discipline can result in a carefree-but spoiled-brat. Too much discipline and not enough affection can lead to a compliant-but angry-robot-child.
One of the earliest examples of parenting advice was published in England in 1660, and it clearly emphasized children's essential goodness and their need for love. "Be not rash or hasty toward them, but labour to instruct them, and with love and meekness to gain them," wrote William Salt for fellow Quaker parents. Unfortunately, the parents guided by his advice may have overdone the meekness, and neglected the training. Because, eventually, there were numerous concerns reported in the Society of Friends about problems with "undisciplined, stubborn, and spoiled" children. So much so, that by 1749, John Banks felt compelled to write his "Rebuke to Unfaithful Parents, and a Rod for Stubborn Children." There he exhorted parents to get busy and "correct, reprove, or chastise their Children," but not, he cautioned, when the parents "are in a Passion."
Then, and now, the responsibilities of preparing a child to go out into the world are so immense.
The stakes are so high and the risks are so great when raising a child. How many opportunities will we have to get it right? How many mistakes can we make, and still have our kids turn out ok? Every parent is afraid at times.
Some parents are fearful for their child; afraid that their child might be harmed if they are too strict or if
their child is distressed. These parents believe that their children are entitled to happiness, without adults bugging them all the time or making too many demands of them that would threaten their 'self-esteem.' Parents who worry about their children feeling unhappy are often willing to make personal sacrifices to protect their child from distress-such as spending hours with a child until they go to sleep, rather than enjoying their own rest and relaxation.
Some parents are afraid of their child-afraid that the child will do so badly and will be so bad, that they must
keep their child tightly controlled. These parents usually believe that children should do what they're told, or suffer the consequences. Parents who are afraid of their children are willing to use their power, and enforce it with punishment, to maintain control and "make" their child be good. These parents believe that the ends justify the means; so if hurting a child today will make them be better tomorrow, it's worth it.
Either kind of fearful parenting is hard to do. It takes a lot of energy to "make" a child happy. And it takes a lot of energy to "make" a child be good. Generally speaking, most parents-in centuries past and today-bounce tiredly back and forth between the two extremes. In the end, neither pampering nor control gain the desired results. No child can be "made" to be happy or "made" to be good for long.
Fortunately, there is another alternative for parents and children today. In 1964, Rudolf Dreikurs
wrote "Children, The Challenge," a book that proposed a new vision of parenting based upon
respect rather than fear. Respectful parenting liberates parents from the fear of being responsible for "making" their children either happy or good. Dreikurs showed that parents could choose to be neither family dictators nor their children's doormats. Children, he said, are actively involved in choosing what kind of person they want to be; and parents have a lot of influence with their children by the way they interact with them: fearfully or respectfully.
Fearful parenting fears the worst, and compels parents to either over-indulge or over-control their children.
Respectful parents believe that their children are not necessarily "good" or "bad," but
that they have the capacity to become cooperative, or uncooperative; courteous, or demanding; compassionate, or vengeful.
Fearful parenting tends to produce children who experience lots of affection without learning responsibility
or learn lots of responsibility without experiencing much affection. Respectful parenting enables parents
to stimulate their child's learning self-discipline, cooperation, competence, and responsibility in a way
that is respectful and warmly affectionate. The stakes are still high and the risks are still great - but
we can choose to parent with courage and respect for our children and ourselves.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist working with families in Takoma Park and Kensington
and a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program
(PEP). For a free parent handout with more information about balancing affection and responsibility, or to
contact Emory, at 301-588-1451
or e-mail emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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