Emory Luce Baldwin, Certified Parent Educator and Marriage and Family Therapist, Telephone: 301-588-1451
3839 Farragut Avenue, Kensington, MD 20895
(301) 588-1451
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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."

Good Enough Parents, Good Enough Kids, Good Enough Families

From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT
Published in the Takoma Voice, April 2007

The real damage is not caused by the mistakes children make, but by the shame and discouragement they feel after being corrected and criticized.

I see parents in my family therapy practice for many different reasons-but there is one common complaint that I hear from almost everyone. "I'm afraid I'm doing it wrong. I'm afraid my kids are going to turn out badly. I'm afraid that I have messed my kids up."

I think that a lot of the fearfulness that parents experience comes from the illusion that parents are all powerful in their children's lives. This illusion of power can make us believe that we can mess up and make our children fail-or that we can work very, very hard and make sure that our children succeed.

The funny thing is that I do not know of any adult who believes that their success is due to all the things that their parents did right. Usually, we think just the opposite: we turned out ok, despite our parents' (and our own) mistakes!

That is the ultimate reality of parenting. We can only watch over, and guide, and love our children as they decide for themselves what kind of person they want to be and what kind of life they want to live. We parents have a lot of influence over the choices children make, but ultimately, we are not in control of our children or their choices.

Much of the influence parents have is in what they choose to focus on. For instance, what happens when a child is corrected or scolded 5 - 10 times as often as they're noticed for doing something well? Children who are constantly corrected soon learn that nothing is more terrible than making a mistake, and may even come to believe that they are not worth anything unless they are perfect.

Correcting, scolding, and nagging are never effective teaching tools. The only reason parents correct, scold, and nag is that it makes them feel better and feel more in control. Sometimes kids will simply go on strike when they've had enough correcting, scolding, and nagging. Or, if a child does do something they should after being scolded or nagged, it is usually because they have chosen to cooperate (and probably they just wanted to get you off their back!). Often, even when kids seem to cooperate after being scolded, they will make it so much trouble for you (procrastinating or talking back, for example) that you will want to give up in frustration!

The good news is that kids are always going to make mistakes-and every mistake presents an opportunity for them to learn something important. Very few mistakes are complete disasters, thank goodness. Most mistakes are small, every-day routine affairs that demonstrate for us how the world works. Homework isn't done? The teacher will be dissatisfied. Lunch or lunch money left on the counter? You may be hungry this afternoon. Library books not returned on time? There will be a fine to pay before you can borrow more books.

Other types of mistakes don't have natural consequences or may have consequences so far in the future that there is no lesson to learn today. Not brushing your teeth today, for instance, may have consequences years from now. Muddy footprints across the rug might be a problem for some members of the family, but not for others. Even here, correcting, scolding, and nagging are not going to work.

What does work is approaching the problem from the perspective of "what does my child need to learn in this situation?" instead of "how can I make my child behave?" Part of being responsible for oneself includes taking care of your body-keeping it clean, nourished, rested and healthy. This includes keeping your teeth clean so that they don't rot away. So we can say to our child, "Would you like to be in charge of keeping your own teeth clean and whole? How would you like to take responsibility for that?" Part of living with other people in a home is consideration for each other and for the house and its furnishings. Muddy rugs smell and look bad. We can invite our child to help us with this family problem, "What can we all do to keep our home smelling and looking nice and comfortable? How would you like to help us do that?"

When kids grow up being trained to fear mistakes, they cannot develop much confidence or courage. Focusing on what is wrong and criticizing children for their mistakes trains children to feel guilty about themselves for being imperfect. The real damage is not caused by the mistakes children make, but by the shame and discouragement they feel after being corrected and criticized.

Children can only grow more competent and confident when they experience their own strengths. The strength to take risks and try something new. The strength to experience frustration when a task is difficult and yet not give up. The strength to make mistakes, and accept one's own imperfections, and still feel pretty good because there's always something new to learn from a mistake.

Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist working with families in Takoma Park and Kensington and a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). For a free parent handout with more information about "Encouraging Your Child," contact Emory, at 301-588-1451 or e-mail emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.