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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
Your Teen and Internet Porn
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LGMFT
Published in the Takoma Voice, May 2007
| Parents have the responsibility, now more than ever, to draw a boundary around their
home where family values of dignity and respect for human beings everywhere will be upheld - no
matter what is going on in the outside world. Your child may complain, but he or she is
sure to admire your principled commitment to these values.
In the end, it isn't the naked people they will remember,
but what they learned from you about sexuality, human dignity, and mutual respect.
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Imagine that you walk into the room where your preteen or teen is on the computer and you see that they are
looking at online pornography. Are your shocked? Embarrassed? Or, do you feel upset but helpless, because you know that there is so much pornography, and it is so easily available on cable television and the internet. If your child cannot look at porn in your home, they can probably see it at their friend's house. What, if anything, should you do about it?
As a parent, you are far from alone in trying to figure out how to deal with this issue. Forty two percent of children (ages 10-17) who accessed the internet last year were exposed to pornography, according to a study published in the American Academy of Pediatrics journal this past February. More than a third of the 16-17 year old boys in the study admitted visiting X-rated sites on purpose that year.
When your teen is not really a child, but almost a legal adult, the issue is even trickier. Do you respect his or her curiosity about sexually explicit materials, or do you uphold your limits about what types of entertainment are allowed in your home? Realistically, no parent can control everything that their kid sees, and getting into a power struggle over an issue like this is probably going to fail miserably.
Yet, your child still lives in your home, and as the parent, it is your privilege and responsibility to establish reasonable limits. Filtering and blocking software is not perfect, but it does help protect children - especially from the pop-up sexually explicit advertisements that are often linked to sites frequented by children.
While the jury is still out whether it is possible to be addicted to internet porn, it is still important to remember that the adolescent brain is exquisitely sensitive to forming addictions. During the teen years, the brain is rapidly developing in the areas associated with impulsivity, motivation and addictions, while the pre-frontal cortex (associated with good judgment) is still undeveloped. We keep our adolescents at home for a good reason! They really do need adult supervision and guidance to stay safe.
Once you realize that your child is exploring pornography, it is time for a frank and honest conversation about it.
Your teen is probably saying something to you along the lines of, "Don't get so upset! I can handle it!"
Then encourage your teen to help you understand their viewpoint, by asking questions such as:
- Is there any type of porn that you consider unacceptable? Why? (I am assuming that no teen wants to discuss with his or her parents what they LIKE about porn, so don't even go there!)
- How do you think viewing porn is shaping your ideas about yourself as an adult, about your impressions of the other sex, and about your future intimate relationships? (When most of your experience is with porn, before you
experience sex with real people, which experience is teaching you the most?)
- Do you consider pornography to be an honest and realistic depiction of human sexual behavior?
(Of course it isn't - that would be as boring as a medical textbook. Therefore, porn is typically exaggerated,
shocking, and distorted to engage people's curiosity and interest.)
It is my hope that a respectful dialogue like this helps you understand your child's point of view,
which then opens the door for you to introduce your own views. This might include topics such as these:
- Most internet porn is about women and children who are being abused and
exploited because of their poverty and powerlessness. Viewing such pornography - even for free - is
tacitly supporting such exploitation and degradation.
- An adolescent is working on developing his or her own sexual identity as preparation for future loving
intimacy with the partner of their choice. A great deal of exposure to pornography will probably have an influence on a
person's sexuality - and probably not in a way that most people would consider normal and healthy.
Together, you and your older teen can discuss a new agreement about internet access and pornography viewing that is
respectful of both of your concerns and needs. Parents have the responsibility, now more than ever, to draw a
boundary around their home where family values of dignity and respect for human beings everywhere will be
upheld - no matter what is going on in the outside world. Your child may complain, but he or she is sure to
admire your principled commitment to these values. In the end, it isn't the naked people they
will remember, but what they learned from you about healthy sexuality, human dignity, and mutual respect.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist working with families in Takoma Park and Kensington and a
Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP).
You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or by
e-mail at emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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