Emory Luce Baldwin, Certified Parent Educator and Marriage and Family Therapist, Telephone: 301-588-1451
3839 Farragut Avenue, Kensington, MD 20895
(301) 588-1451
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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."

The First-born child-Privileged, Pressured and Put-Upon

From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
Published in the Takoma Voice, June 2007

There certainly are benefits to being the child in the family who is bigger, smarter, and more competent. But, at the same time, first-borns are often deeply offended by the inequities of living up to their parent's high expectations while seeing their younger siblings slide by while doing so much less. It isn't surprising that so many first-borns are naturally bossy, and that they are so concerned about fairness in their family.

I was visiting my brother's family a few days after the birth of their second child. My 4-year-old niece, Emily, crawled up to me and butted her head against my leg with a piteous "meow". "Hello, little cat," I said, to be friendly, "How are you today?" "I'm a poor little kitten ," she sadly replied, "who doesn't have a family anymore…"

Poor Emily! After enjoying 4 years of blissful indulgence as her parent's only child, she had just been displaced as the family "baby" when her little sister arrived on the scene. Like most other first-borns, Emily was knocked off her throne as the family baby and now tiny Sophia had that role. In her orphaned kitten play, Emily was expressing the loss of her 'old' family and her uncertainty about where she belonged in her 'new' family.

For the most part, it is a good deal to be a first-born. First-borns often begin life by enjoying their parent's undivided love and attention-at least for a little while, until the next child is born. New parents usually cherish their first child dearly, and are very attentive to him or her from the start. Every one of their baby's hiccoughs, giggles, and coughs is cause for comment or concern. As tough as it is for new parents to find their lives turned upside down by their new baby, they often delight in their new roles of parenthood with their first-born.

First-borns typically soak up all this loving attention and develop a strong sense of security and confidence. At the same time, many first-time parents are also a bit nervous and uncertain, and they may look to their child's success as proof of their own competence in parenting. Parents often have the highest hopes and expectations for their first-borns, compared to subsequent children. Since this is their first child, parents may have an unrealistic expectation about what is developmentally appropriate for children-and they may unknowingly pressure their child to be especially clever and well behaved. Many first-borns try to live up to their parent's hopes and expectations by being extra-clever, extra-responsible and extra-hardworking. First-borns also tend to be perfectionists-and may hesitate to try new things or take risks for fear of failing.

Many children find themselves automatically promoted out of babyhood when their new sibling enters the family. Even a two year old looks pretty grown-up compared to a new infant! First-borns must quickly become accustomed to being asked to be more helpful and more responsible-first because the parents need the help with a new baby in the house. Later, because first-borns are asked to set a good example, or to be more mature than their younger sibling. There certainly are benefits to being the child in the family who is bigger, smarter, and more competent. But, at the same time, first-borns are often deeply offended by the inequities of living up to their parent's high expectations while seeing their younger siblings slide by while doing so much less. It isn't surprising that so many first-borns are naturally bossy, and that they are so concerned about fairness in their family.

All children are profoundly influenced by their natural birth order, even if they are an only child or a twin. How a child finds a place for themselves in relationship to other members of their family will affect their personality as well as their behavior. As parents, we can help our children by accepting their feelings, as well as by reassuring them that every person in the family is unique and valuable as they are.

Here are some other tips on helping your first-born:
  • Accept your first-born's jealousy as completely natural and reasonable. Having another baby was probably your idea, not theirs!

  • Encourage your child to say how they feel ("I'm mad when I have to wait for you to feed the baby!" or "It's not fair I have to pick up my toys, but he doesn't!").

  • Give your child training and opportunities in ways to be helpful and useful. These are the best experiences for all children who want to belong and know that they matter.

  • Support your first-born's need to sometimes play alone or to play with older playmates. Your older child will choose to play with their younger sibling more often when it is a choice and not a requirement.

  • Give your child their alone time with you, to talk or play. Even if it is only 5-10 minutes a day, this time reaffirms the special connection you and your child have. One on one "special time" between parent and child is the absolute best way to dampen sibling rivalry and hurt feelings.

  • Establish family rules for cooperation and politeness. Siblings can and will disagree, but they don't have to be mean or hurtful about it. Family meetings are useful for children 4 and older to work out solutions to joint problems.

Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist working with families in Takoma Park and Kensington and a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or e-mail emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.