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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
The Second-Born Child - #2 Tries Harder
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
Published in the Takoma Voice, July 2007
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For better or for worse, families are naturally competitive environments - and intense competition between children is normal. From a very young age, children are comparing themselves with each other to find the best position for themselves in the family.
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When little sister Maya was adopted, she joined a pre-existing family - one that already had established routines to take care of older brother Michael. So, from the very start, Maya learned to adapt to her family in ways that Michael never had to. Maya was often bundled along whenever Michael was taken to school or to the playground. Months before Maya learned to talk or walk - she had already logged hours and hours of watching and learning from her older brother Michael.
Because of her natural fascination with everything Michael says or does, Maya absolutely adores and admires her older brother - because he is so much bigger, stronger, funnier, and smarter! Michael is Maya's first true love - in a special way that is different from the way she loves her parents.
Like many younger children, Maya is fiercely loyal to Michael as she grows up, and she will often defend him and copy him no matter what. As a typical first-born, Michael accepts his little sister's loyalty and generosity as his due - and in return, he keeps a watchful eye on her progress. As she becomes smarter and more skillful, he does not hesitate to remind her that she is still not as good as he is!
Fortunately, Maya, like most younger children, is feistier and more competitive than her older brother is. First-borns, after all, never had to fight to claim their family spot - it was their entitlement given to them at birth! But, the younger child gains experience competing with their older sibling for attention from day one. This competitiveness often drives first and second-born children to distinguish themselves in very different ways. One child may become known as the "good student" while the other child is known as the "good athlete." Or, one child may be the "funniest and most charming" while the other child is known for being "moody and extra-sensitive."
Parents are usually surprised at how different each of their children is in comparison to the other. It seems reasonable to expect that children with the same parents, growing up in the same household, would be more alike than different. Instead, first and second-born children often have very different personalities, interests, and even energy levels from each other.
For better or for worse, families are naturally competitive environments - and intense competition between children is normal. From a very young age, children are comparing themselves with each other as they struggle to find the best position for themselves in the family. The choices children make about how to define themselves depend upon how a child interprets their own unique situation, their opportunities, and how they choose to deal with this. So, for instance, if Melissa lives in a family that values being smart and making good
grades - but her older sister is already recognized for reading and writing well - then Melissa may also choose to study hard but will focus more on math or science to distinguish herself. Or, if older brother Tom is often irritable and troublesome at home and
school - then younger brother Matthew may choose to shine as the "good" little brother who is quiet, agreeable, and cooperative.
Sometimes, when children are discouraged and see their situation as no-win, they may even opt not to compete. First-borns, after all, are tough competition because they are often perfectionists and high-achievers. Some discouraged second-born children conclude that they can never be as successful as their older siblings, and therefore choose to excel at being the best known family "underachiever."
Here are some ideas about how to help each of your children, of every age, find their way to belong in a positive and significant way.
- Recognize each of your children as unique individuals - and encourage them as they develop their own special talents and abilities.
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Help your first-born keep their perspective when they are critical of their younger sibling. For instance, you can remind your eight-year-old that their six-year-old younger sibling is a successful
six-year-old - not a failed eight-year-old!
- NEVER compare your children. They're doing it constantly with each other, please don't add to it.
- Do not worry that life is not "fair" for your two (or more) children. Your children don't really want the same relationship
with you as equals - they want their own uniquely good relationship with you. "Special time" - giving each child their own one-on-one time with you to play, cuddle, take a walk, color a picture, or shoot hoops together is still the best way to give each child what they really need and want from you: your time and attention.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist working with families in Takoma Park and Kensington
and a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program
(PEP). You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451
or e-mail emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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