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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
Little Monsters
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
Published in the Takoma Voice, August 2007
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It's not that your little darling is really a little monster-it's just that most preschoolers
have a very hard time coping with frustration. They are not yet capable of negotiating or waiting
for what they want. Thus, most young children will try to get what
they want by sometimes pulling, tugging, hitting, pushing, biting or kicking for it.
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The excited children hurried toward the table decorated with balloons and special party plates and cups. It was time for the birthday boy to blow out the four twinkling candles on his birthday cake. "Don't sit there!" yelled sweet little Elise, "It's my seat!" "Elise!" her mother murmured with embarrassment, "don't be rude, you can sit in this empty seat." "No! I want THIS chair!" Elise replied firmly as she pushed the other child away.
Many preschoolers love to be with other children, but they love to get their own way even more. Therefore, get-togethers for preschoolers will usually result in disagreements and quarrels. Some preschoolers are naturally reserved and timid-and they will protest with whining and tears. Other preschoolers, who are more assertive and strong-willed, will use their fists, feet and mean words to get what they want.
It's not that your little darling is really a little monster-it's just that most preschoolers have a very hard time coping with frustration. They are not yet capable of negotiating or waiting for what they want. Thus, most young children will try to get what they want by sometimes pulling, tugging, hitting, pushing, biting or kicking for it.
Sometimes the biggest problem parents have with their children's aggressive behavior comes from the adult's own unrealistic expectations. Preschoolers have just begun the tricky business of learning how to both get their own way and how to cooperate with others. This learning process will take several years, at least, for young children to master. It helps to remember that even the pushiest, demanding, and selfish little preschoolers can and do grow up to be very nice people with lots of friends. So, parents don't need to be too embarrassed by their children's bad behaviors-the child's poor social skills are a reflection of their age and immaturity, not your failures as a parent.
Bobby wants to keep building with blocks, but Dylan wants him to go outside with him and ride trikes. When Bobby refuses to budge, Dylan tells him, "Then you're not my friend anymore AND you can't come to my birthday party either!"
The mean words and rough behavior young children sometimes use is often more offensive and upsetting to the adults who witness it than to the children themselves. Take your cues from how the children are dealing with the situation-if they are dealing with a problem fairly well, even if they are angry and upset, then let them keep working it out together. If they seem "stuck"-both children have locked into opposing positions, and they can't seem to move forward-then they may need some new suggestions and choices about how they can both solve the problem and remain friends.
Pamela and Suzy were playing happily together in the wading pool. They were busy pouring the water into various cups and containers that they carefully set outside of the pool. Simultaneously, each reached for the same purple bowl. As they both gripped it tightly between them, neither child seemed to know what to do next. Then Pamela yanked the bowl from Emily, while Emily reached over and scratched Pamela's arm…
It is so tempting to want to protect the victims and punish the aggressors in children's quarrels-but neither refereeing nor rescuing will help. For one thing, neither child is completely innocent nor in the wrong. More importantly, both children need how to transition from cooperation to anger and back to cooperation. One way to encourage this to happen is by showing the more "hurtful" child how to help the "hurting" child feel better.
The babysitter watching the two little girls that day helped Emily fix an icy washcloth for Pamela's scratched arm, and encouraged Pamela to find more cups and bowls for the pool so that there would be plenty for both girls to play with. With those two problems solved, good feelings were restored quickly; and within a few minutes, the girls were playing together as happily as before.
Children who lash out in anger and retaliation often invite the worst from others who find them difficult to understand and manage. If your child seems to be increasingly negative or rigid, it is worthwhile to have your child evaluated by a professional, such as a developmental pediatrician, because your child may be extra-sensitive to stimuli in their environment or have special challenges in areas such as auditory processing. Parents of extra-aggressive children often appreciate extra support for themselves as well, from family therapists or others, to handle their own guilt, anger, and embarrassment with their child's behaviors.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist working with families in Takoma Park and Kensington
and a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program
(PEP). You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451
or e-mail emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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