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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
Welcoming Your Child's Help
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
Published in the Takoma Voice, November 2007
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No toy a parent buys for a child, no book a parent reads to a child, no educational trip to the zoo or museum,
can substitute for the experience of feeling like a useful member of the family.
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Young children are naturally curious about adult work and the adult world. Even the everyday chores that are the most routine and uninteresting for adults-such as swishing cleaner inside a toilet bowl, replacing a battery, scrubbing potatoes, or sweeping off the steps-may excite a young child's curiosity and interest. And that curiosity naturally leads a young child to want to dive in and learn how to do this fascinating household work too.
And how does your young child show you that they are interested? They may copy you, such as a toddler in a high chair who grabs the wet cloth out of the adult hand and begins wiping it back and forth across the high chair tray. Or your child may resist you, as you try to feed them or dress them, to show you that they want to do it themselves.
Or your child may ask directly, "I want to try!" or "Me do it!" or "Can I help?"
Yet busy parents, preoccupied with their many tasks and responsibilities, often reply with the same tired responses:
"You're too little," "It's too heavy/hard for you," "You can't do this yet," or
even, "No, I don't want your help."
All of these messages tell a child, "You cannot contribute here." And that is a terribly
discouraging message. Because, every child is trying to find a way to belong in their family, and
contributing to their family through usefulness is the most positive way to belong.
If a child cannot find a useful way to belong and feel like a valuable member of the family,
they are left with the next best choice of finding a useless way to belong and feel important in their family.
Whining, complaining, dawdling, fighting, making messes, talking back and pretending to need special
services are all common useless behaviors that discouraged children use to connect with their family.
Naturally, there will be times when an adult is working on something that really is too dangerous for a
young child to attempt-but most of the time that isn't the case. There is almost always some way to give even a very young child the opportunity to contribute. The squirmy older baby can hold the fresh diaper for you, while you clean up their bottom. You might hand the apples to the toddler for them to put into the grocery bag by themselves. Or you might invite a small child to hold the smoke detector steady for you, while you take out the old battery and put in the new battery. You can even let your toddler take a turn with the toilet cleaning brush, (after you have flushed away any dangerous cleaning liquids), and then give them an old towel to dry the floor too!
Of course, it is slower and messier when a young child does a job. Everyone takes more time and makes more mistakes when they are doing something new. Yet the time a parent invests in training and encouraging a young child to contribute will pay off substantially in the future when you can rely on them to help out at home.
If your children are older, and they haven't been trained to expect to contribute to your family-don't despair.
Their grumbles and reluctance are the result of their earlier training when their help wasn't accepted.
I have never yet come across a child who wasn't interested in learning how to do something useful for their family-and often the more difficult and/or dirty the job, the more interesting it is for them!
When children are given opportunities to contribute in useful ways-every single day-they experience for
themselves a sense of belonging, of contribution, and of belonging as an important member of the family
in a useful way. The more opportunities a child has to experience themselves as a capable member of the family, who contributes to their family, the more encouraged that child will feel. And the more encouraged a child feels, the less often they will need to misbehave to get what they need.
No toy a parent buys for a child, no book a parent reads to a child, no educational trip to the zoo or museum, can substitute for the experience of feeling like a useful member of the family. You have all the tools you need to provide these experiences for your child nearby. Dusting cloths, small brooms, sponges, measuring spoons, little rakes, and scrub-brushes aren't just for cooking and household maintenance-they are also the key to giving your young child the skills and the opportunity to become a useful member of the family.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist working with families in Takoma Park and Kensington
and a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program
(PEP). You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451
or e-mail emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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