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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
Telling the Truth
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
Published in the Takoma Voice, September 2008
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Lying is, in itself, not a sign that a child doesn't know the difference between right and wrong. Therefore, responding to a child's dishonesty is not an opportunity to teach about the virtues of truthfulness.
Instead, what children need to learn the most about dishonesty is that it does not work!
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The babysitter sees cookie crumbs sprinkled down Lucy's shirt and chocolate smeared around her mouth.
"Tell me the truth: did you eat the cookies we made this morning?" the babysitter asks.
Lucy shakes her head tentatively, "no!" "How dare you lie to me?!" her babysitter demands angrily.
Lucy's babysitter thought she was asking a simple question: did you do this or not? Tell the truth!
But, Lucy, like many children, was making a rapid calculation.
Is it better to say "Yes, I did something wrong" or "No, I didn't do it"? Naturally, Lucy decided it was
better to deny she had done something wrong, and hope that the consequences would be less severe.
Mark was driving very fast along the BWI parkway, trying to make up the time he had lost by leaving the house late.
With a jolt, he realized that he saw the flashing light of the state trooper in his rear view window, and that the officer was signaling him to pull over. When the officer walked up to his car window, he asked Mark, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?" "Oh no, officer," Mark replied, with an innocent look, "Was I breaking the speed limit?"
Adults also tell lies occasionally-especially when they want to avoid unpleasant consequences!
And this awareness should make it easier for parents to respond calmly when their child is lying.
But sometimes, especially when the parents feel unsure of their own authority and influence, they can really over-react to their child's dishonesty. This is unfortunate, because the more the parent yells or punishes a child for lying, the more the child is provoked to lie.
It helps to remember that children sometimes tell a lie just because they wish things were different so very much.
Other times, a child might tell a lie to avoid trouble, to make themselves look more wonderful, or even for
the fun of pulling the wool over the adult's eyes. Lying is, in itself, not a sign that a child does not know the
difference between right and wrong. Therefore, responding to a child's dishonesty is not an opportunity to teach about
the virtues of truthfulness. Instead, what children need to learn the most about dishonesty is that
it does not work!
The first thing to remember is don't ask a question that you already know the answer to. Lucy's babysitter,
for instance, had all the evidence she needed to see that Lucy had been eating stolen cookies.
Asking her to confirm it was silly!
The second thing to remember is don't take the lie too seriously. A child's dishonesty is
not a sign that they are heading for a future as a criminal or an advertising executive.
Your child's lying is not a sign that you have failed as a parent to raise your child to be a "good" person.
The third thing to remember is you can't raise a child to be truthful unless you prove to them that
telling the truth is more useful than telling lies. This means that sometimes parents have to teach children that
there are common sense consequences to all misbehavior, including lying or stealing. When Michael's mother found
his friend's super soaker hidden under Michael's bed, she wisely decided not to say anything at first.
But, when Michael's friend was expected for a play date, she asked him kindly if they would like to play
with the super soakers.
"No, I can't!" said Michael, "then he'll know I took his favorite super soaker!"
"Ah...so taking his super soaker wasn't such a good idea was it?
Why don't you give it back to him, then, so you both can play super soakers again?" asked his mother.
Sometimes, it helps to take the most playful approach to a child's persistent misbehavior,
such a lying, and make a game out of it. The family might make a Saturday into a "Whopper" day, and
everyone is encouraged to be anything but truthful. One Dad will announce he is making pancakes,
and then serve scrambled eggs. The other Daddy can invite everyone to go with him to the playground,
and then not do it, because he wasn't truthful. At the same time, both Dads will refuse to believe
anything the children ask or tell them, because nothing they say can be true. Without lectures, the
children can experience for themselves what it means to live in a home without trust and honesty.
This experience will teach more about the value of honesty than any lecture or morality tale ever could.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the
Parent
Encouragement Program (PEP). Her private practice helps families with children and adolescents.
You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or e-mail her at
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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