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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
Grateful for Hard Times
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
Published in the Takoma Voice, November 2008
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Every family has its own stories about hardship. Every story provides a lesson for parents to teach their children about courage, optimism and survival...
These stories are your children's heritage, and they can feel proud to know that they have inherited a history of courage, resilience, and optimism.
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Various newscasters and analysts have referred to the recent disaster in the investment and banking markets as an "Economic Tsunami." It seems certain that all of us will eventually be affected by this economic downturn, in one way or another. Some families are already having a hard time, and other families may still experience lost employment, foreclosures, higher energy prices and less income down the road.
How will your family ride out this particular "Tsunami"? Do you have a boat that is large and strong enough to give everyone a safe ride? Who will help raise the sails or take a turn at the tiller? If water washes into the boat, will there be an argument about who is at fault for letting this happen, or will everyone work together to start bailing? For families, for communities, and for corporations, banks, and financial institutions: tough times are easier when everyone helps to find solutions to problems.
Even young children want to cooperate and be helpful when their family is dealing with trouble, if they are invited to do so.
Most children know when their parents are worried or stressed, but they often don't understand what their parents are worrying about.
Many times, children assume that their parents are angry with them for something they have done wrong, when they notice that their parents are extra tense or unhappy. For this reason, alone, it is a good idea to let kids know when their family is facing a problem, such as when there is less income and expenses need to be cut.
Many parents think that it is their job to protect their children from concerns such as family financial problems. It is true that children should not be burdened with adult-like responsibilities for adult problems. But, most children will want to generally know what is happening if their family has a problem, and they will feel better if they are given some way to help the family out.
One of the ways families can encourage each other, and build cooperation, is through working together to meet a challenge. If a parent has lost their job, for instance, the family can have a meeting to talk about it. The conversation will need to be tailored to the age of the children, but the message is still essentially the same:
- Our family has a challenge to face together, and this is what it is...
- We can all help our family to meet this challenge...
- This is what the adults are doing...
- This is what the kids can do to help...
- When we all work together, we can deal with any challenge that comes our way, no matter how hard it is...
Parents naturally want to protect their children from worry or hardship, but learning how to face difficult challenges with energy and optimism is good experience for life! During hard times in my life, for instance, I have been comforted by memories of how my grandparents faced hardships in their lives. My grandfather was unjustly blacklisted as a communist during the McCarthy witch-hunts of the 1950s. Consequentially, he lost his job as a government scientist. To keep a roof over their heads, my grandfather swallowed his pride and went to work pressing pants at a drycleaners. My grandmother found a job cleaning motel rooms. Fortunately, this story has a happy conclusion: my grandfather was one of the first to successfully fight his termination in court, and he won his case and got his job back. He later went on to become the chief chemical engineer for the space program, and ultimately contributed to the Apollo missions that went to the moon.
But, for me, the most important value of the story is the inspiring example of how my grandparents faced this challenge. They did not give in to shame or disgrace. They did not succumb to despair or self-pity. They did what they needed to do to survive, and they fought back to defend themselves against this injustice.
Every family has its own stories about hardship. Every story provides a lesson for parents to teach their children about courage and survival. Perhaps it is about how Aunt Sally had polio when she was little, and she had to learn how to walk all over again. Maybe there is a story about how Great Uncle Oscar was killed in a factory accident, and his kids all pitched in to make money for the family so that they wouldn't be sent to an orphanage. Stories are your children's heritage for survival during hard times, and they can feel proud to know that they have inherited a history of courage, resilience, and optimism.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP).
Her private practice helps families with children and adolescents grow well. You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or e-mail her at
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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