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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
Temper and Temperament
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
December 2008 Issue
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Understanding differences in temperaments can help parents appreciate their child's unique way of interacting with their family and their world.
Interestingly, researchers have found that the personalities or temperaments children have inherited are not necessarily fixed for life.
Even the most strong-willed or anxious child can grow and learn how to compromise or face life courageously.
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Claire has her grandmother's brown eyes, Gus has a slender build and shy personality like his birth father; Melissa is stocky and energetic with a solid build like her father; and Jake is thoughtful and curious, much like his Mom. All of our children have inherited both physical and personality characteristics that influence their appearance, their abilities, their relationships, and even their interests in life.
Some of the most important biological attributes we inherit are our personality traits, also known as temperament. Differences in temperament styles have an influence upon how each of us perceives the world, and subsequently influence how we interact with each other. Much like different spices and herbs season the food we eat, our various temperaments provide different flavors to our unique personalities and subsequently influence how we experience and interpret the world.
For example, 6 year old Molly has an impulsive temperament and she thrives on high stimulation. Teresa, also 6 years old, has a shy temperament and she is often uncomfortable in new situations. These two little girls will have very different experiences when they attend their friend's birthday party this Saturday with the 10 other six-year-old children who have also been invited. Molly is likely to be highly energized at the party and will enjoy herself enormously-unless she becomes overexcited and aggressive with the other children. Teresa will probably be hesitant to join the party, and she may feel uncomfortable and even lonely as the other children party without her. Teresa often takes quite a while before she feels comfortable in a new situation, although eventually she can relax and enjoy herself. Neither girl's temperament is "right" nor "wrong," but both girls approach similar situations with different expectations and different approaches.
Some children's temperaments just seem "easier" than others to the people who spend time around them, but no temperament is the best or the most desirable. Child development experts have demonstrated that responding sensitively to children with even the most difficult temperaments can change not only a child's personality and behavior for the better-it can actually improve the way a child's nervous system works.
Every temperament has its advantages and disadvantages. Molly, for example is very sociable and outgoing, but her impulsivity and quick temper also get her into trouble. Teresa is a thoughtful and careful child, who likes to look before she leaps. This trait usually helps Teresa avoid trouble, but it can also hold her back and make it harder for her to take risks that are easy for other children.
Understanding differences in temperaments can help parents appreciate their child's unique way of interacting with their family and their world. Interestingly, researchers have found that the personalities or temperaments children have inherited are not necessarily fixed for life. Even the most strong-willed or anxious child can grow and learn how to compromise or face life courageously.
When parents understand how their child is likely to approach and interpret their world, they are in a better position to support their child's efforts in learning how to adapt and fit in with others.
Molly's parents, for example, will have their work cut out for them in teaching her how to slow down and be more patient. Molly will also need a lot of encouragement to learn how solve her problems without blowing her temper. For instance, Molly's parents might teach her how to take a "positive time out" to cool off and calm down-not as a punishment, but as a way to regain her self-control.
Teresa's parents have the challenge of teaching their daughter to be bolder and to take more risks. By working at Teresa's speed, they can gradually introduce her to new challenges and adventures. As Teresa takes small steps out of her comfort zone, she will gradually gain more and more experiences of courage. For instance, Teresa's parents might give her the money, and ask her to go to the counter of her favorite fast food restaurant to order for them while they smile encouragingly from their booth.
Many of the biological attributes we inherit can give us positive advantages in life-such as curiosity or a naturally cheerful disposition. Other biological attributes can make our life more challenging-such as stubbornness or a fearful temperament. Either way, it is ultimately up to each child to find the best use of their strengths-and the best way to compensate for or overcome their weaknesses. Biological inheritance is just the starting point - not the ultimate destination-as long as each child finds a way to use both their strengths and their challenges with creativity and courage.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP).
Her private practice helps families with children and adolescents grow well.
You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or e-mail her at
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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