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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
Raising "Good" Children
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
January 2009 Issue
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Teaching children basic good manners and courtesy is not that different from teaching a child how to ride a bike or how to make their own sandwich.
Children learn very well from the consequences of "what works" and "what doesn't work" in social situations inside, and outside, of the home.
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Most parents I know would like their child to "be good," but what is good behavior exactly? Is it responsibility? Is it acting thoughtfully? Or is it cooperation? In general, most parents consider children well behaved when their behavior does not create problems for family members or interfere with the family's ability to live well together. Any one person's act of rudeness or selfishness, for instance, may be directed at only one other member of the family. But, the whole family is going to suffer when a member of the family consistently behaves in a rude or selfish way.
Commonly accepted standards for correct behavior between humans have evolved over the many millennia that people have been living together.
Shared understandings about courtesy, cooperation and respect have evolved in every social class, in every culture, and in every part of the world.
These basic lessons in human civility are so important, they are among the first lessons taught to children all around the globe: be nice; don't be selfish;
be truthful; show others respect, don't hurt others, play fair, etc. Children everywhere must learn to accept and follow these same social
rules-eventually!-for the same reasons they will someday teach the same rules to their children: the rules of correct social
behavior work for them and for everyone else as well.
In the past, children's good behavior meant only one thing: a good child was an obedient child, and a disobedient child was an out-of-control child.
Parents used discipline to reinforce their power as adults, as well as enforce the social rules of the family. Traditional parents often used
discipline to enforce their rules through inflicting pain (also known as punishment) and through the threat of punishment: "You had better do what
I say, or else...!"
Today's parents usually don't want to frighten their children into good behavior, but they still struggle with the problem of how to direct their children to act more nicely. Many parents are willing to take the time to talk to their children and explain to them why they should behave well. But, reasoning and persuasion have their limits. This is because reasons and explanations can still sound like hidden coercion to children. When the parent says something like: "Be nice to your brother, ok?! You should be able to get along with each other!"-the child often hears something like: "You had better do what I'm asking, or else I will be unhappy with you!" While that may be true for the parent, keeping their parents happy is not usually a high priority for kids!
It helps to be honest with ourselves and recognize from the beginning that no parent or teacher can totally control children.
That may sound scary, but I think this simple truth can also be incredibly liberating: parents are not responsible for making their children behave.
Children are neither wild animals that must learn to live in captivity, nor robots whose behavior can be programmed.
Fortunately, most of our children are fully capable of learning, and want to learn, how to participate successfully in their world.
Children are naturally social beings, and this is the key to teaching children the skills of living well with others. Teaching children basic good manners and courtesy is not that different from teaching a child how to ride a bike or how to make their own sandwich. Children learn very well from the consequences of "what works" and "what doesn't work" in social situations inside, and outside, of the home. This is where the parent comes in as a teacher who shows their child "what works" and "what doesn't work." If a 4 year old wants to keep using "potty" words, then walk the child to the bathroom to say those words. If your 6 year old wants to boss around and fight with their guest, then acknowledge that their play date must end early (and that you have confidence that next time will go better!). If your 9 year old is burping loudly or acting up at the dinner table, then silently pick up your own plate and finish your meal elsewhere. If your 12 year old sarcastically demands that you drive them on an errand-withdraw your helpfulness-while giving them another chance to rephrase their request in a friendly way.
Parents are the most effective teachers when they uphold social standards of courtesy and respect-and not impose them.
Children learn the best social skills when they experience what works and what doesn't work.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the
Parent Encouragement Program (PEP).
In March, she is teaching classes on "Underachieving Students" and "Daughters Who Are Mean to their Mothers."
Her private practice helps families with children and adolescents grow well.
You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or e-mail her at
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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