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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
Preparing a Toddler For a New Baby Sister
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
February 2009 Issue
Beginning with this column, Emory is using a new format for "The Heart of Parenting" and will be responding to reader's questions. If you would like to
submit a question for her, you can e-mail her at Emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
Dear Emory:
We're expecting our second daughter in a couple months, at which point our first will be 21 months old. She seems very young to try to prepare her for her new sister, but is there anything we can be doing now to ease the transition?
Thanks very much,
"Expecting"
Congratulations on your expanding family! I can imagine that you and your partner are eagerly looking forward to the birth of your new daughter, and that you would love to share your excitement with the other very important person in your life: your first child. It is great that you would like to do what you can to make the transition go well-but for the young toddler who is so firmly rooted in the present, she really needs very little in the way of preparation before the birth of her little sister.
For a child who is not yet 2 years old, her sense of her family is very much rooted in what she has right now: her own sweet self, "her" mommy, and "her" daddy. Your daughter, like most young children, will see no reason to change this very pleasant arrangement! She doesn't feel the "need" for a new baby sister; but, that doesn't mean that she won't eventually adjust to the presence of another child in her family.
The key is to remember that this adjustment is going to take place gradually over the next couple of years. During these years, your older daughter will be gradually developing the skills and abilities of an older toddler and preschooler, while the baby is simultaneously growing into a toddler. Therefore, there are likely to be many, many adjustments, as your older daughter learns to share her parents with first a little, tiny baby; and then with a bigger baby who laughs and smiles; and ultimately with a little sister who walks, talks, and wants to play with her big sister.
You can trust that your oldest daughter, like most children, will develop positive feelings for her sister. You can also trust that your oldest daughter will have her moments of frustration, jealousy, and anger about your little sister. It's all part of the emotional package that comes with living together in a family.
The best preparation you could do now, before the baby's birth, is actually more important for yourselves-not your daughter. The "Gesell Institute of Human
Development" series of books about year-by-year child development is still probably the best guide there is for understanding your toddler's emotional needs. Reading these books will help you plan for the best ways to support your daughter as she deals with the arrival of her new baby sister.
Setting up and following comforting routines is always helpful for toddlers-whether there are significant changes in their lives or not. There is so much rapid change going on for the toddler physically and emotionally, it just makes sense to give them as stable and secure an environment as possible. Continuing with familiar routines with your toddler as much as possible, even with a new baby in the house, will give her important reassurance that her world and her place in her world are still secure.
Naming and accepting a toddler's many different emotions is also an important way to help your daughter through the coming transitions
in your family. For instance, you might say to her, "It looks like you are feeling impatient and you don't like having to wait while
Mommy finishes feeding the baby" or "When you gently pat the baby's cheek or tickle her feet, it looks like you really feel loving for your sister!"
Describing your child's feelings in words to her helps your daughter learn the vocabulary of feelings. When you teach your children the skills to recognize and communicate their emotions respectfully, you are giving them an important skill for expressing all kinds of feelings in healthy and productive ways.
Ultimately, your daughter will take her cues from you both about how to "adjust" to her new baby sister. If you express calm confidence,
in yourselves and in her, that this is a transition that everyone can weather well, she is most likely to follow your lead and to make a very smooth
transition into life as a Big Sister.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program
(PEP).
In March, she is teaching classes on "Underachieving Students" and "Daughters Who Are Mean to their Mothers."
Her family therapy private practice helps families with children and adolescents grow well.
You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or e-mail her at
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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