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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
When Your Young Teen Can't Say Anything Nice
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
March 2009 Issue
Emory is now using a new format for "The Heart of Parenting" and will be responding to reader's questions. If you would like to
submit a question for her, you can e-mail her at Emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
Dear Emory:
My 14 year old daughter never has a nice thing to say to anyone. She is constantly criticizing everyone in the family, and often I am the target of her most sarcastic put-downs.
I know the teen years can be rough, but I sure do miss my sweet little girl!
Thanks very much,
"Put Down on Poplar"
I sympathize...it can really be hard to live with an unhappy young teen, and that probably includes your daughter as well. A fourteen year old is betwixt and
between-no longer a child and not an adult, yet, either. She hates being treated like a little kid, but she hasn't learned how to consistently act more grown up.
She still values her parents' viewpoints, but she wants to make up her own mind about things, too. Her dissatisfaction with herself is often projected onto her
family members-especially her mother.
You may be surprised to learn that your daughter probably isn't fully aware that she is coming across as extra critical and negative to the rest of the family.
It is even possible that what sounds to you like sarcasm is the result of her best efforts to act more sophisticated and mature! Another possibility is that your
daughter doesn't fully understand your emotional reactions to her behavior. Research has found that adolescents can recognize that another person is
showing strong emotion, but they often misinterpret exactly which emotion is being expressed. I really think that is the reason for many parent and teen
blow ups. You might think you are expressing your caring and concern for her when you ask her lots of questions about the party she wants to go to.
But, what if she thinks you are saying that you don't trust her, and misinterprets your expression of annoyance for disgust? The point is that it is
always a good idea to double check with your teen whether she understands what you are saying and feeling.
Another reason your daughter may be acting extra-critical of you is because she also feels constantly criticized. I often hear Fourteen year olds saying that
grownups do nothing but complain about them-and they may have a point. Parents and other adults often let Fourteen year olds know that that expect more
from them than they did just a year or two earlier. Fourteen year olds are usually pretty honest in admitting that they know
they aren't perfect, and they sure do get tired of being reminded about it all the time. Unfortunately, what adults think is helpful correction or advice
usually sounds like endless nagging and dissatisfaction to the fourteen.
One wise mother I know told me that, when her relationship with her young teen daughter hit the rocks, she would take a short break from saying almost anything
critical to her daughter. For two weeks, she told me, she would ignore the dirty dish left on the table and she would not say a word when her daughter went to
bed late. If her daughter said something snarky to her, this mother would take her Yoga deep cleansing breaths and move on. While the mother was
refraining from criticism, she continued to be generous with friendly appreciation, and often let her daughter know that there were things she liked about her.
Over the two week "take a break from criticism" period, this mother described her daughter as gradually "melting with relief"
into a calmer and more positive state. While the mother's problems with her daughter's messiness and lack of self-discipline didn't miraculously disappear,
neither did they get any worse. Instead, as you might imagine, both mother and daughter were able to re-establish some goodwill and cooperation again during
the "break from criticism" which made it easier to deal with their problems together.
Most fourteen years old I've met earnestly want to do what's right. If you have a young teen who is extra-critical of you, it's a pretty good guess that they are equally hard on themselves. Young teens know that they aren't perfect, and they know how they should improve. What they want the most from their parents is a little more breathing room to try to do better, to make mistakes, to learn from their mistakes, and to figure out how to grow up.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program
(PEP).
In March, she is teaching classes on "Underachieving Students" and "Daughters Who Are Mean to their Mothers."
Her family therapy private practice helps families with children and adolescents grow well.
You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or e-mail her at
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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