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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
Afraid to Try, Quick to Cry
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
April 2009 Issue
Emory is now using a new format for "The Heart of Parenting" and will be responding to reader's questions.
If you would like to submit a question for her, you can e-mail her at Emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
Dear Emory:
My 7 year old son has always been a cautious boy, but lately he has been telling us that he is too afraid to go upstairs alone at night,
and he has a hard time falling asleep without one of us nearby keeping him company. His worries make me worried too!
I hope you can help,
"Afraid on Fenton"
There is something so pitiful about a frightened child. Naturally, your first instinct is to comfort and soothe him. Your little boy
may be genuinely anxious about what scary stuff is in the corners or behind the doors waiting to jump out at him. By now,
his 7-year-old creativity can conjure up plenty of ideas about scary things that can happen. At seven, he is also fully aware that his
small size makes him especially vulnerable in a big, scary world.
By this point, your son has been cautioned to be careful a million times. "Be careful, there are cars in the street. Be careful, don't
talk to strangers. Be careful, don't climb so high." Modern day parents tend to be worried parents, and they pass their concerns on to
their children through their sincere desires to keep them safe. Of course, it is important to teach a child how to live safely,
but it is equally important to teach them how to live courageously.
One way to do that is to teach children some perspective. When you point out unsafe places to play, remind your child that most places are safe to play.
When you caution your child that there are some bad people in the world, add that most people are not going to do them harm.
When your child worries that, sometimes, surprising and scary things can happen, remind them that, for the most part, life is going to be
predictable and reasonably safe. The point here is to provide a balance between a realistic understanding of danger and security in the real world.
Another way to help your son is to give him many, many opportunities to grow his courage bigger.
I often work with anxious and fearful children, and I have never yet met one who was afraid of everything! Even the most
cautious child has an idea about something daring and difficult that they would like to try. It might be cutting carrots with a
sharp knife or, it might be walking alone a block or two by himself to his friends house. When a child grows their courage
bigger in one area of their life, their courage grows larger in all other areas of their life as well.
The important thing is to not feel like you have to protect your fearful child from all scary experiences. Any child is
going to be much more impressed with their parent's worries than their own. All too often, the parents' worries become the child's fears.
More than anything else, what anxious children need to hear their parents say: "I can see that you are scared, and I trust that you
can still figure out how to do what you need to do."
So, for instance, when your son asks you to go upstairs with him because he doesn't like to go alone, you can politely decline.
This isn't because you don't love him, but because you love him too much to treat him as less than the capable boy he is.
If, and when, he needs to go upstairs, he can figure out for himself how to do that. He will "feel better" when he solves that problem,
but he won't "feel better" because you always stop what you are doing to accompany him upstairs.
You can also have a friendly talk with your son about his nighttime routine. You might let him know how much you appreciate his perfect record of
falling asleep every night for the last 2,555 nights of his life. No one "needs" someone to keep them company in order to fall asleep.
In fact, most children willingly force themselves to stay awake to keep a parent close by! And so, respecting your son's excellent
skills at quieting his own body and helping himself to fall asleep, you will leave him to practice those skills while you enjoy
your evening relaxation time doing what you enjoy. Once again, it is more loving and kind to help your child grow his courage,
then it is to comfort him for being afraid.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program
(PEP).
On May 30, she is leading a session on "Afraid to Try, Quick to Cry." Call PEP (301-929-8824) for more details.
Her family therapy private practice helps families with children and adolescents grow well.
You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or e-mail her at
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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