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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
Teen Without Friends
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
September 2009 Issue
Emory is now using a new format for "The Heart of Parenting" and will be responding to reader's questions. If you would like to
submit a question for her, you can e-mail her at Emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
Dear Emory,
Last year was not a good year for my 14 year old son, academically and socially. I don’t know if there is a correlation between the two, but I have tried this summer to encourage him to call some of his classmates. Unfortunately, I haven’t had good luck with getting him to make his own calls. I then arranged two outings for him and a friend and one went very well, they are even planning a Halloween party for the fall.
As an only child, my son is used to being alone--but I worry that he is missing out on good friendships. What can I do to help him socially?
Awkward on Allegheny
Dear Awkward,
Fourteen can be an awkward time socially, but it is also an important time for kids to make good connections and form close friendships. Everybody needs a good friend, and 14 year olds especially need to have a good friend if only to have someone to complain to about “how my parents have become impossible lately!”
You don’t mention whether your son was engaged with friends before last year. Although it can be worrisome for parents, it is not unusual for kids to find their friendships turning over every few years. Some researchers have found that children’s friendships typically last about 2-3 years. Last year, your son may have found that he was outgrowing his former friends—or perhaps they were outgrowing him. Fourteen year olds are actively wondering who they are and exploring what they are interested in—and friendships are often built upon shared interests. If your son decided he was more into sports, for instance, but his former friends were absorbed with video games, he may have felt like an outsider.
I appreciate that you recognize that your son’s academic difficulties might be related to his social difficulties. Making new friendships takes confidence, and if your son used to be more successful in school, his confidence may have taken a bruising last year. The end of middle school and beginning of high school is a time when many formerly successful students discover that they are no longer able to make good grades on their intelligence alone. Increasingly as kids move up in high school, they will find that they have to put more time and effort into their school work than before. Some kids adapt easily to this shift, and others may resist it for quite a while.
In the meantime, a close circle of other nice kids can provide quite an important emotional buffer for your son. If your son is an introvert, he may only need one or two good friends. Continuing
to support his social life by providing a welcoming place for friends to gather and have fun together is going to be encouraging to your son. Providing the kinds of drinks and foods the kids enjoy is also welcome. You’ll want him to understand that either you or his other parent must always be around when his friends come over, and that you might walk through or check in periodically, but that you won’t be hovering or intrusive.
But, beyond encouraging your son to invite friends to come visit or to go with you on outings, I suggest that you stay out of his social life. This is his task in life, to figure out for himself how to connect with congenial friends and acquaintances. Feeling bored and lonely is a fine incentive for a shy or introverted child to exert themselves to make more of an effort to make new friends. Especially, if you seem to feel more bothered about this than he is—that is a good sign for you to back off and let him work this out for himself!
Overall, I think that the most important support that parents can give to their young teens is to see them, and treat them, as genuinely interesting people. Let your son know that you think he is interesting by asking him what he might do if he was the coach of his favorite professional sports team, or what he thinks is going to be the next generation of video games. These conversations may well begin awkwardly, if your son isn’t used to being asked about his opinions, but they will lead to more interesting conversations down the road. The point isn’t whether his ideas are practical or sound (and 14 year olds often have a quirky take on things!), but that you are honestly curious to know more about his viewpoints and perspective.
And finally, let your son know that you trust that he can figure out how to make his way through school and his social world. This is the most important encouragement he can use to make the coming year a more successful one.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the
Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). Her family therapy private practice helps families
with children and adolescents grow well. You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or e-mail her at
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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