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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
Language of Love
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
October 2009 Issue
Emory is now using a new format for "The Heart of Parenting" and will be responding to reader's questions. If you would like to
submit a question for her, you can e-mail her at Emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
Dear Emory,
I know that you usually answer questions about children, but I am an adult who has a question about how to get along better with my younger sister! My parents live nearby, but my mother has been ill and she has asked us to take over the responsibilities of hosting family holiday get-togethers at our homes. The problem is that my sister is not very organized and she doesn’t offer up any of her own suggestions—but she gets angry and tells me to “stop acting so bossy” when I tell her how I would like to do things. I don’t want to fight with her about this, but I can’t figure out what to do—Help!
Hoping to Enjoy the Holidays on Holly
Dear Hoping:
Even after years of living your life as an adult, there is nothing like a dispute with a brother or sister to make you feel like little kids again. Old hurts, sensitivities, competition and resentment can linger forever between siblings, if they aren’t addressed. Just as you have noticed, it is all too easy to keep repeating the same kinds of problems or even the same kinds of fights, that you had with your sister back when you were both still children. It is so easy to keep pushing the same buttons, and getting the same reactions from each other—that even when the two of you aren’t trying to make each other angry, you both may still react defensively.
When you say that you “don’t want to get into a fight” with your sister, it seems that you have decided that you would like to change the way you and your sister communicate with each other. The next step, then, is to find out from your sister if she would also like to change the way the two of you make plans or solve problems together. The most direct way to find out if your sister is willing to try a new approach is to ask her.
But first, I’d like to suggest an important preliminary step: begin your conversation with the language of love. This means, in effect, that you first let your sister know that you care about her. When you begin an important discussion with a loving message such as that, you can reassure your sister that she matters to you, and that it is safe for her to relax her defenses.
Many, many arguments between people in close relationships may seem on the surface to be about issues such as whose turn it is to do the dishes, or who is going to talk to the doctor about Mom’s medications, or whose house do we go to for Thanksgiving this year? These issues can be tricky to resolve, but they are only problems and problems almost always have solutions.
No matter what the argument seems to be about, there are often more important issues underneath, such as:
“Do I matter to you?” and
“Does my opinion count for something with you?” and
“Do you think I have something of value to contribute?”
By starting a conversation with your sister with loving words such as, “Hey, I want you to know that I really love you and I am glad that you are my sister,” you can speak directly to what is most likely to be worrying her.
At that point, one of two things will often happen. One is that she might challenge what you have just said, “I don’t believe you really care about me!” This kind of response lets you know that this is the most important topic that you both need to talk about. It can also be a much more productive conversation, because you will be talking about the real issue (“Do I matter to you?”) instead of the pseudo-issues (“Who should take Mom’s place as the family holiday coordinator?).
The second possibility is that your sister may reply, “Thanks! I love you, too!” Then you know you can move on to “Well, we have some decisions we need to make together about the holidays, and since I know that you care about me and I care about you—it seems to me that we can work together to make our plans. Would you like to give it a try?” From there, you will probably be able to have a much more productive conversation.
Beginning difficult conversations this way with the people we are close to is a wonderful way to clear hurt or sensitive feelings from the table, and to make room for finding solutions to problems. I hope this approach will help you and your sister celebrate a new beginning to your sisterhood.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the
Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). Her family therapy private practice helps families
with children and adolescents grow well. You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or e-mail her at
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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