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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
Born to Lead
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
November 2009 Issue
Emory is now using a new format for "The Heart of Parenting" and will be responding to reader's questions. If you would like to
submit a question for her, you can e-mail her at
Emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
Dear Emory:
My 5 year old son, Sam, is a wonderful little boy in so many ways, he is creative and imaginative and very verbal. But he also has a hot temper—especially when he isn’t getting his way with his friends at nursery school. As his teacher describes it, it’s like “he is a really creative director working with a lot of troublesome actors!” He gets mad when they won’t do what he wants them to and he gets in trouble when he pushes or hits them. I’m at my wit’s end, dealing with
Temper on Takoma Avenue.
Dear Temper:
From what you tell me, it seems as if your son, Sam, might be described as a "born leader." He knows what he wants to do, and he wants to get others to follow him. Because he is only 5 years old, his leadership skills are naturally still immature and undeveloped. It sounds as if most of the time, Sam is an imaginative and exciting playmate and other children are naturally drawn to want to play with him. But sometimes, his ideas about the “right” way for the play to go are so compelling for him; that he loses his patience and flexibility. When that happens, and when other children also want to express their own ideas and imagination, Sam’s leadership style (literally!) pushes other children away.
While Sam may well be a "born leader," it seems clear that he isn’t a natural "team player." That’s ok, he can still learn the skills of how to both cooperate and how to win the cooperation of others. It may not come easily to him, but his successes in that area will be that much sweeter as a result.
One of the first skills in both leadership and team work is problem solving skills. For a 5 year old, that basically means solving the problem of “I don’t want to do it that way, I want to do it this way.” Your creative and strong willed son may sometimes forget that he knows how to solve this kind of problem, so it would be helpful to develop some ways for him to remember what to do when he gets stuck.
One idea is to interview Sam about all the skills that 5 year olds need to know about how to be friends. I would bet that he will promptly tell you: “be nice, play fair, take turns, don’t push or hit, and don’t make your friend feel bad.” You can write these up as a list or a booklet, and invite Sam to decorate or illustrate his list. Once this list of Sam’s knowledge about friendship is written, it becomes a document that can be displayed, shared, and consulted over and over again. Every time Sam re-reads his list, he experiences again how much knowledge he has and reminds himself about his skills again. As he has ideas about new skills, he can add them and notice how his knowledge grows.
Your son also needs to learn how to repair and rebuild his connections with other children when he crosses the line between bossy and bully. This is usually more than just saying, “I’m sorry”. Strong-willed children often make more social mistakes than easy-going children, and they need to develop their skills to recover from those mistakes. Your imaginative son will likely have some good ideas about how to do that as well. Children in nursery school often show their friends they care about them by sharing snacks or special toys, giving small gifts, saving a seat for them, and even saying it directly, “I like you. I’m glad you are my friend.”
So, Temper on Takoma, I’m suggesting that you focus on the before and the after of Sam’s temper. Before it happens again, you can strengthen Sam’s problem solving skills by helping him remember that he knows what he knows about solving friendship problems. And after it happens next time, focus on supporting Sam in repairing and restoring his friendships. Strong willed and impulsive children may make more social mistakes, but that also gives them more opportunities to build their skills and practice recovering from mistakes.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the
Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). Her family therapy private practice helps families with
children and adolescents grow well. You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or e-mail her at
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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