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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
The Truth About Santa
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
December 2009 Issue
Dear Emory:
Now that Christmas is approaching, my son (who just turned 4) is starting to learn about Santa Claus from some of the children’s books we have been reading. My husband and I are divided as to whether to pretend to him that there is a Santa. To be plain, we are uncomfortable with lying to our son. And yet we also would like our son to enjoy his imagination. What should we do?
Confused on Carroll
Dear Confused:
Myths, legends and traditions have been an important part of winter celebrations for thousands of years—long before they were taken over by commercialism. Some kind of imaginary "Father Christmas" character, who gives gifts, especially to children, has been an important part of the winter holidays in many cultures since at least the middle ages.
Originally, the story of Father Christmas was used as much to scare the kids into behaving as well as giving the parents a cover story for giving children Christmas sweets. In the Netherlands and Belgium, Sinter Klaas could even tell his assistant to beat the children with switches if they were naughty!
(Some elements of this can still work for parents today, by the way. I admit I told my kids that Santa Claus didn’t bring new toys to children whose closets were full of toys. It was a great incentive to sort through the old toys and give away the ones that had lost their charms.)
Fortunately, most families today take a benign approach to Santa Claus, presenting him as some kind of a magical friend who loves to bring toys to children. The Santa Claus story is also a great way to make Christmas even more exciting. The idea of toys delivered overnight by Santa Claus in a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer is certainly more dramatic than simply presenting gifts that came from a store or were delivered by UPS.
I suppose part of the charm for parents in sharing the Santa Claus fairy tale with their children is the joy of entering into a child’s imagination with them. So much of a child’s fantasy life is private. Your son may wear a cape, a helmet, and boots everywhere he goes, but can you really see into his pretend world? The Santa Claus story gives parents the chance to play a part in the fairy tale with their child.
You will probably find that it is much, much easier to share the story of Santa Claus with your son, than it would be to convince him that Santa Claus isn’t real. That should tell you something. We understand and accept that children 'need' their imaginary worlds, and that this is a healthy part of child development for children to create and practice new personas and experiences for themselves through their play. The Santa Claus myth is just one more imaginary story for children. The reason that a young child can readily accept the idea of a man in a red suit landing on the roof in the middle of the night once a year for the sole purpose of leaving them toys-is that this story seems completely plausible to them!
There are some children, of course, who may like the story of Santa Claus in general, but still feel a bit scared by some parts of the story. My young son asked that Santa stay downstairs and not come up to his room during the night. We had to make this quite clear in the note that went with the cookies and milk we put out for Santa on Christmas eve.
Ultimately, of course, the day will come when your son will figure out that "Santa Claus" was actually his Mom and Dad all along. There is no reason for you to reveal the illusion, by the way. Each child figures out the truth when they are ready to believe it-no matter what the other children try to tell them. Typically, children feel a sense of sadness when they learn that Santa Claus isn't real. But, I've never heard of a child who felt duped by the story of Santa Claus, or lied to. Instead, many children gain a new appreciation for their parent's love and generosity, which was lovingly cloaked for a few years in a charming and playful fantasy.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the
Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). Her family therapy private practice helps families with
children and adolescents grow well. You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or e-mail her at
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
Emory is now using a new format for "The Heart of Parenting" and will be responding to reader's questions. If you would like to
submit a question for her, you can e-mail her at
Emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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