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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
Tormented by Teasing
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
January 2010 Issue
Dear Emory:
My daughter, who is about to turn 10, is very upset by some kids who are teasing her at school. She feels like she is “being picked on by bullies.” She says that she tells them to “Stop it, I don’t like it when you talk to me that way,” but they continue until a teacher rescues her. What can I do to help her out?
Tormented on Tulip Avenue
Dear Tormented:
Nine and ten-year-old children often struggle with friendship problems--such as teasing, fighting, excluding, and bullying. It is almost as if children need these experiences to prepare them for the all-important social experiences of middle school and high school, when their friends and social groups will become so important to them.
Many of the nine and ten-year-olds I talk to feel stuck with these problems, and frustrated. They don’t want to be mean. They don’t want to get angry. They just want the teasing to stop. Yet, the advice they often get from parents and teachers isn’t working for them. Suggestions such as “be nice,” “just be yourself,” “walk away,” and “don’t let them know they are bothering you” are all good advice—but it often isn’t enough to make a bully stop teasing.
The problem for many kids is that they have learned the “be nice” lesson very, very well. What they haven’t learned is how to stand up for themselves while projecting confidence and authority. Therefore, when these nice children use the words they have been taught to use, such as “Stop it. I don’t like what you are saying. Leave me alone,” it often comes out in a tentative, or irritated tone. Or they may yell it in a frantic or fearful way. Some children will also duck their heads and hunch their shoulders when turning away from the teasing or bullying—which is probably an instinctive self-protective stance. All of these responses undermine what they children are saying, because they aren’t believable. Their posture and tone of voice undermines their words.
Therefore, I teach children how to deliver their message without being mean or angry, but in a much stronger, more believable way. One of the first things I teach them is what I call the “Power Stand.” First we talk about how kittens and cats make themselves look bigger by arching their backs and fluffing their fur. Kids can also learn how to use their body to make themselves look bigger and stronger. I show children how to stand with their feet apart, their hands on their hips, and their head held high to make themselves look as big as they can—while looking the teasing children straight in the eye. Often children are able to discourage teasing simply by standing tall and facing down their teasers.
The next thing we practice is the tone of voice. I tell children that, when we are scared, we often talk fast and use voices that get higher and higher in pitch. But when we feel strong and confident, we can use a deeper voice and speak more slowly. We practice repeating the message in both fearful and strong ways to hear the differences between the two. The more believable the child is when they talk back to teasing, the more successful they will be.
Finally, I give children some ideas about how to “make fun of making fun.” It is always interesting to ask children what are the meanest things they have ever heard one child say to another. The examples of mean words I usually hear are random, silly criticisms along the lines of “I don’t like your shoes, they’re stupid. Or, “Why do you do that—it’s dumb!”
I have found that the simplest way to make fun of the teasing is to repeat back what was just said in a slow and skeptical way. It helps to imagine that you have never heard this said before and find it amusing and unbelievable. “You – don’t – like – my – shoes? You – think – they – are – stupid?” It is good to do this with a lot of rueful smiling and shoulder shrugging as well. Children don’t always believe me that this is going to work. But when we practice, with them playing the role of the teaser, and I respond by making fun of what they are saying—they quickly become true believers. What they find is that responses like this take all the fun out of teasing and quickly make the teaser feel foolish and ineffective.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the
Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). Her family therapy private practice helps families with
children and adolescents grow well. You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or e-mail her at
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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