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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
Working for Success
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
February 2010 Issue
Dear Emory:
Our daughter is 11, and a middle school student. We have always known that she is a very smart girl, and her Dad and I really believe she could do just about anything if she set her mind to it. But that is the problem, other than her passion for art and her favorite tv shows, she just doesn’t seem to be able to get interested and work harder to do her best in school. Her grades range from mediocre to excellent-they are all over the board. We really value hard work and good grades—this is how my husband and I found success in our professions. Why doesn't our daughter seem to get it, and what can we do to make her change?
Worried on Woodland
Dear Worried:
I can appreciate your frustration - when you see your daughter's many talents and capabilities, it is natural to want to encourage her to take full advantage of them. You and your husband have already discovered that hard work and good grades can be an important path to success in life.
The problem you are puzzled by is a common one, though. How can loving parents encourage their children to want to work for success? Why is it that the mothers and fathers who care the most about success, can sometimes have children who seem to care so little?
I often see a direct, inverse relationship between how much a parent wants something for a child and how much a child shrinks from doing what the parent wants. Does that mean that the only other option for the parent is to concede "defeat" and withdraw? Not at all...your daughter, like every child, longs for her parent's support and encouragement. Yet, the way you go about offering your daughter support makes all the difference in the world.
First of all, do not assume that your child is not motivated to be successful already. I have talked to many smart, but under-achieving children. Every child I have spoken to intends to live a life that will be at least as comfortable and interesting as the life she is now living. I have never yet met a child who plans a life of downward mobility for themselves!
The question is then, is why doesn't your daughter seem to care about her own success as a student? Is it possible that your very efforts to inspire your daughter to be a more ambitious student are backfiring?
Imagine, for instance, that your boss is trying to make you work harder and achieve greater success in your job. Every day when you come in to the office to start work, she checks on you and reminds you that "you need to get started now," and "don't forget to work hard" because otherwise, she warns, "you won't be successful." Her constant reminders and anxious surveillance seem to indicate that she doesn't believe you can work hard without her constant supervision. When she tells you over and over again, that "hard work leads to success," you feel as if she does not believe that you want to be successful, too. Every "helpful push" from her shrinks your confidence a bit further and you start to dread coming to work.
What your boss is saying to you to "motivate you," is having the opposite effect. Instead of wanting to work harder and take more risks to be successful, you may feel as if it would be better to withdraw and play it safe. When you feel as if you "never do anything well enough," then you may logically conclude, "Why bother?"
Much the same thing happens to children who feel constantly held to a higher standard of achievement. I know, from my experience, that the parents of smart, but underachieving, children are often the most loving and hard working parents out there. But focusing too much on "achievement" can be discouraging, even when it is done with love and concern.
Years and years of research about the best way to motivate young adolescents in school has found that a task goal orientation is much more effective than training kids to focus on how they look to others, including parents. Focusing on learning for pleasure and satisfaction allows students to pay attention to mastering skills and knowledge. When parents encourage their children to work for greater self-improvement and understanding - NOT Grades! - their children are encouraged to work hard for goals that have personal meaning to them.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the
Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). Her family therapy private practice helps families with
children and adolescents grow well. You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or e-mail her at
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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