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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
"I Hate My Child Sometimes—And I Don’t Want to Hurt Him!"
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
March 2010 Issue
Dear Emory:
I have three children, a boy who is 9 years old, his younger brother who is 6, and a little sister who is 4 years old. My problem is with my oldest son who has been melting down ever since his other mother left. My oldest son has always been a handful, but lately he has begun having temper tantrums that go on for hours and hours. When he gets mad, he curses, screams, hits me and tries to break things. I've tried to divert him, talk to him, or threaten him with lost privileges - he only laughs and says he "doesn’t care"! Last weekend was the worst time, ever, for us. He punched me when I didn't expect it, and before I knew what I was doing, I punched him back HARD. I actually wanted to hurt him, and it scared me. Five days later, I'm still feeling scared—he isn't getting any better and I don’t know how to keep things from getting worse.
I am so ashamed of myself - I never thought I would write a letter like this, or even think this way. Please help!
Scared on Seminary Road
Dear Scared:
Probably every parent has discovered that they can feel angrier with and more outraged by their child than anyone else on earth. Your neighbor’s child might talk back sarcastically to you, and you would laugh. Your friend’s child might pretend to ignore you, and you would shrug your shoulders. But when your own child does the same thing, you may find yourself feeling enraged! Your intense intimate connection with your children can inspire both an overwhelming sense of love when things are going right and frustrated rage when things are going wrong.
Especially when a parent feels extra vulnerable because of fatigue, stress, and worries—their children are also likely to be experiencing stress and anxiety. Not all, but some, anxious children will express their feelings by being extra irritable, demanding, and easily angered. The demands of an angry anxious child can add to the parent’s stress, and vice versa. This creates an environment where abuse can easily be triggered—even, as you have experienced, for a parent who is usually loving, patient, and kind.
In the moment where you realize you may hurt your child—protecting health and safety are imperative. This is not a teaching or learning moment. There is no need to lecture or discipline your child—you will have better opportunities later when you are once again calm and collected. Step away from your child. If your child is an infant, they will be safe for a short time alone in their crib; a toddler can be left unattended for a short time in a child-safe room; and an older child can also be left unattended for a while. Even a 10 minute break allows your breathing to slow, your heart-rate to quiet, and the adrenalin in your system to wash away.
Your experience with your son's temper tantrums leading up to when you hit your son tells you that your relationship with your son is badly out of balance. Yes, your son needs to learn how to calm his emotional storms and handle his worries without lashing out. But first, your son needs a parent who has calmed her own emotional storms. No child can do something better than their parent can do it (until, perhaps, when they grow up and leave the home).
Here is a short list of suggestions that may help you reconnect with your love and caring for your son, so that you can help him again with his growing up. It is only a short list, and you may want to work with a family therapist or counselor to help you find other ways of defusing your anger and remembering your love:
- Look again at your child's baby pictures. Remember your feelings for your infant when you first held him in your arms. The love you felt for your baby may have once felt bigger than the ocean. Remember what those loving feelings were like.
- Slow down, and even stop, the tidal wave of worried thoughts about what your child can’t do by making a list of everything your child can do. Nothing is too small to list. From putting on his own shoes to spontaneously hugging a younger sibling—every child has their moments of being capable, cooperative, and caring.
- Instead of fearing, "my child is testing me," remember that "together, my child and I are practicing and learning how to solve our problems."
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the
Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). Her family therapy private practice helps families with
children and adolescents grow well. You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or e-mail her at
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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