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"Helping families, children and adolescents
grow well."
The Rageful Child
From "The Heart of Parenting" column
by Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT
May 2010 Issue
| Children who have confidence in their own abilities to handle the tough stuff that comes their way, don't blow up. Instead they get to work to improve their situation... |
Dear Emory:
A little while ago, you had a letter from an angry parent who was afraid of hurting their child. You mostly talked about how the parent could calm themselves down, but you didn't say much about how to make the child calm down.
As you might have guessed, I'm asking because my eight year old son also blows up in terrible temper tantrums, where he screams, throws things, and tries to hurt me. He is a good kid with everyone else, and his teachers and our friends would not believe it if they could see when he loses it at home.
His rage is starting to scare me, too - I am still big enough to push him into his room when I have to, but what will we do when he gets bigger and stronger?
Despairing on Dale
Dear Despairing:
I'm glad you ask this question-because it is an important one. When I answered the previous letter from the mother who was afraid of wanting to hurt her child, I focused on suggesting steps to protect the health of the relationship and the safety of both the mother and the child. Health and safety are always the first priorities-learning and improvement can only come afterwards.
But you are right-once the situation is safe, then what? How can we understand what provokes a child to explode with rage, and what is the best way to respond?
Perhaps these children were born with bodies that are extra-sensitive to their environment. Perhaps they are children with extra-strong emotions, and so the disappointment that saddens another child triggers an explosion in an extra-emotional child. Perhaps they are discouraged, feeling the pain of not-measuring up. Perhaps they have grown up in a home where others--including the grownups--also scream when they vent their own irritation or hurt. (When we are honest with ourselves, we have to acknowledge that children usually get angry in much the same ways that their parents get angry.)
Regardless of what predisposes your child to respond with rage-it is still his task in life to learn how to live well with himself and to learn how to live well with others. Only your son can calm himself-and with your encouragement and support, he can learn the skills, and practice them, and recover from his mistakes, and try again, and gradually grow up in this way.
As a parent, you might ask yourself these questions, to help you figure out how to encourage your son's growth and learning:
- Can you learn the fine art of compassionately acknowledging your child's rageful feelings while simultaneously upholding respectful boundaries? In other words, "I can hear that this feels absolutely terrible to you; and I'd like to know more about that. But, I'm not willing to listen when you are kicking me."
This is tough; I don't want to sugar coat it. But a parent's strength and fortitude when responding to tough situations with their child, directly inspires a child to grow their own strength and fortitude to handle tough situations.
- Are there plentiful opportunities for your child to be, and to feel, successful? Rageful children are often deeply discouraged, feeling disappointed with themselves and feeling like a disappointment to their parents. Successes such as learning how to do something new, and difficult, and important for others-can go a long way towards helping a child both feel, and do, better with others.
- Does my child have real, and realistic, problem solving skills? Children, who have confidence in their own abilities to handle the tough stuff that comes their way, don't blow up. Instead they get to work to improve their situation...
- Is there a double standard in our home, where adults are allowed to vehemently express anger and frustration, but the children aren't? Do we grownups need to learn better ways to express our own emotions, and give our children a better model of how to deal with disappointments in life?
So many of us parents grew up in homes where anger and rage were not expressed well, and we would like to do it better for our children. The Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) offers excellent 3 week classes on "Managing Anger: A Parent's Guide," filled with parents just like you: smart, loving, caring people who want to "detox" their family environment and give their children better tools for life. You can find out more, by going to
PEPparent.org or calling 301.929.8824.
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist and a Certified Parent Educator with the
Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). Her family therapy private practice helps families with
children and adolescents grow well. You can contact Emory at 301-588-1451 or e-mail her at
emory@emorylucebaldwin.com.
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