no matter how hard the parent works, his child continues to give him a hard time.  The parent is doing practically everything to make life easy, uncomplicated and comfortable for their child, and it doesn’t seem to be working.  Nothing is getting easier, less complicated and more comfortable.  Parents are often left feeling that, no matter what they do for their child, it isn’t enough and isn’t appreciated.  No wonder you (and many other parents) feel disappointed and tired.

I don’t think this problem is solely with you or your children, but is a feature of the culture we live in. In 1911, one in four children died before his fifth birthday, but parents didn’t give them the wrap-around services and supervision we often give children today.  Parents were inspired by advice in this era to strengthen their child and make them “spunky” and “sturdy.”

Children were taught at the beginning of the 20th century to become contributing members of the family, cheerful, dependable, and responsible.  Think of Dorothy, in the Wizard of Oz (1900) and the children in Peter Pan (1911).    How super-responsible and sturdy those fictional characters were then and how old-fashioned and quaint they seem now.

Fast forward to 2011when many of us are privileged to teach children to become personally successful instead of mere surviving.  What a difference that makes.   On the path to “success,” children often learn more about taking than giving, more about getting others to do for them, and less about how to do for themselves and others.  This is not a recipe for happiness at any time in history, including now.

I suggest that you work on the balance between your children’s needs and the needs of the family as a whole, “Unhappy Dad,” to create more happiness in your family for everyone.   I know this is probably not the advice you were expecting.  But consider this, there has been a lot of research about happiness, and it always concludes that people feel happier when they believe they have a purpose and the ability to make a meaningful contribution.

Your child needs this sense of purpose, too, even when he are very small.  He learns not just how to make a meaningful contribution—but he also learns that his contributions mean that he is a valuable member of his family.  That’s a big deal, even to a child, because it is how he creates his sense of himself.

Create happiness in your family by creating an encouraging atmosphere where your children learn to see their needs as part of the needs of the family as a whole.  Invite them to contribute to everyone’s well-being, as well as make their own pleasure.  Teach them the skills, and then welcome them to use their skills, and continue to encourage them with:

  • When your child complains, “I don’t like…,” respond with “Yes, I can see why you might not like that. What ideas do you have for fixing the problem?”
  • Teaching your child to understand that his needs must be balanced with the needs of the family as a whole.  “I understand you don’t like clearing the table, but we need help from everybody to get dinner on the table every night.  What contribution can you make to this effort?”
  • Have faith in your child.  He can tolerate occasional delays, dissatisfactions, and disappointments.  These are all uncomfortable, but not fatal.  Part of learning how to be happy is to learn that distress is also part of life, and nothing to be afraid of or avoided at all costs.