Big kids who refuse to get out of bed and go to school remind me of little kids who refuse to stay in bed and go to sleep. One night it dawns upon many little kids, “I’m not in a crib anymore, there is nothing to make me stay in bed! I’m going to have fun and get up!”
I think something similar happens with bigger kids when another logical light bulb turns on, “There is nothing that can make me get out of bed! I’m going to have fun and stay here today!”
Children love logic like this because it is indisputable. In the absence of physical force, there really is no way to make a child stay in bed, get out of bed, or do much of anything else.
Parents hate logical conundrums like these and want to fight it! The most common reaction parents have is to go a little crazy trying to make their children do what they want them to do. There are plenty of parents who know that what they are doing is crazy but aren’t sure what else to do. So they may find themselves serving breakfast in bed, dressing their little darling, and then driving them three blocks to “make them go to school.”
Or, when pampering gets too crazy, parents cut to the chase and threaten, “Get out of bed or else!” Threats are great for waking everyone up and reving their engines, but it also means having to prove what “or else” means. Again, parents find themselves in the most ridiculous and frustrating situations when they try to make their child do anything. Good sense is quickly sacrificed, and any hope of encouraging responsibility and self-disciplined is quickly lost.
The best chance parents have for hanging onto their sanity is when they look at their child’s challenging behavior from the standpoint that it doesn’t make sense and then let their children experience how their choices make no sense. This is the best way I know to really help children develop their own good sense.
It doesn’t make sense, for example, that a healthy and reasonably happy kid would really have a better day in bed than going to school. So, without begging or bossing, just let the experiment run its course with reasonable and sensible limits that help the child learn this point:
• “Well, if you want to stay in bed, no one can make you get up and go to school. But, I’m sure you can understand why I’m not willing to give you your electronic games or let you watch TV or movies instead of going to school.”
When your child’s choices affect your own choices for the day, it makes sense to ask for a reasonable compensation from them.
• “Johnny, I’m using one of my annual leave days to stay home with you today. And, as you can imagine, I like my vacation days a lot. So in all fairness, I would like to ask you to repay me by giving me a full day’s work on one of your school vacation days. Or, if that doesn’t seem fair to you, I’m willing to consider something else you suggest as a fair trade.”
If your child runs the “no one can make me go to school experiment” for many more days, than it would be reasonable to have a conversation with him or her about their plans for the rest of their growing up years and beyond:
• “Molly, from what I can see, you are choosing not to continue your education. I’ve been wondering about that, and I am curious to learn more about your ideas about growing up as a person without an education.”
• “For instance, do you suppose you will continue to have the same friends, as they go on to continue their educations? Or do you imagine that you will make a whole new set of friends who are as un-educated as you? I know you have thought about some fun things you want to do when you grow up. What ideas do you have about what you would enjoy doing without an education?”
• “We are happy to have you living with us, of course, until you are a grownup. But, it doesn’t seem to make sense for you to just play at home until you are 18. Would it make sense, for instance, for you to take over the housework while everyone else is at school or work?”
The more parents keep themselves firmly grounded with their own good sense, the more sensibly they can deal with their children’s challenges. It is logical for children to conclude, “No one can make me go to school!” But the real question for children to answer is, “Which makes more sense? Sitting at home until I grow up or going to school to continue learning?” When parents resist the urge to make children go to school, they can encourage them to improve not just their logic, but their good sense.
“It doesn’t make sense, for example, that a healthy and reasonably happy kid would really have a better day in bed than going to school.”
And yet, if the child in question is truly in distress, is having loads of trouble in school (feels overwhelmed and anxious, has trouble understanding directions, instructions, worksheets, has no fire in the belly for memorization and tests), and has just entered a classroom with a ratio of 26 kids and one teacher (and that teacher’s favourite reply to children who ask clarifying questions is to say, “You should have listened better the first time,” well, then, as a parent, I’m going to take that child’s resistance a little more to heart.
I am raising four children; three of them go to school quite willingly, even eagerly. I can count on one hand the days when those three children resisted going to school in a combined 14 years of education. This child, the fourth one, however, is not fitting into the program, kind of à la Sir Ken Robinson’s assessments of how our schools fail creative kids, and kids in general. She’s vocal about what isn’t working for her, and passive resistance to avoid attending school, while not working for her (she goes anyway), is not seeming like a long-term solution. This isn’t a child who doesn’t want to learn and participate; this is a child who has given up on herself and the idea that she will ever be able to enjoy school as it is.
I want her to try a different school, but my co-parent (ex) is opposed to it so far. This puts the child in the middle. She resists going to school at both households, but pours it on much more emotionally with me, as I’m willing to lend an empathetic ear and not just steamroll past her feelings on the matter. She’s 9 years old, and quite articulate and bright. And miserable.
Thanks for bringing up a good point, “Concerned Mum.” A child who has “given up on herself” and lost her hope for “enjoying school as it is” is dealing with more than a power struggle to prove “you can’t make me go to school if I don’t want to.”
I appreciate that you are acknowledging her disappointment and expressing compassion for her dilemma. There is a lot to admire in a child who “goes anyway” even when her school isn’t giving her the kind of education she wishes she could receive and that she vocalizes how her school isn’t working for her. While she may have “given up” on her school, are the wishes she expresses for a different kind of education an indication that she isn’t giving up on wanting something better for herself?
Does she also give voice to what she wishes were different about her schooling? Is she willing to not just speak up, but to also step up and create the kinds of learning experiences that would give her more of the kind of education she is wishing for?
Your little girl, while only a 9 year old, sounds to me like a girl who knows what she wants and is willing to stand up for herself. I’m guessing your empathy and support could encourage her to continue to assert herself respectfully not just you, but with her teachers too. She may not have the classroom and teacher she wishes she could have, but there are somethings she can do to make her learning experiences better for herself inside and outside the classroom.
These small acts of self-respect and expressing her value for better learning experiences might be ways she can grow her own self-respect bigger as well as win the respect of her teachers.
I hope the ideas I’m expressing here are helpful, Mum, and useful to you and your daughter.
Great article! While I hear the occasional complaint, “I don’t want to go to school,” I am careful not to give them too much weight. After all, I have frequently thought to myself, “I don’t feel like getting up today!” I give my guys some sense of control with a Christmas coupon for a mental health day; couldn’t we all use one? My high schooler feels he can’t afford to use the coupon and miss a day of school, but my middle schooler has taken advantage of the opportunity:)