When you were growing up, were you taught, “there’s no excuse for a mistake” and “mistakes are always your fault”? Are you afraid you will become lazy and sloppy if you allowed yourself to see mistakes as not a sign of personal failing, but an opportunity to learn?
You are not alone…research conducted in different cultures around the world finds that people most fear falling down a slippery slope towards self-indulgence and lowered standards if they “allow” themselves to make mistakes. Yet, research also shows that the more a person accepts himself or herself as imperfectly human– the more their ability to learn, succeed, and even feel happier, improves. (Neff, et al, 2008)
Like many other Silicon Valley executives, the late Steve Jobs understood how to learn from his sometimes spectacular mistakes and go on to greater success. Basketball legend Michael Jordan also had the courage to accept his imperfection saying in his famous ad for Nike, “I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life, and that is why I succeed.” Jordan’s quote amazes because at the individual level our culture is still teaching us that “mistakes are not allowed.” This is a lesson that defies logic, given that reality demonstrates that excellence is achievable but perfection does not exist. Has forbidding mistakes ever succeeded in making them disappear? Or even diminish?
One true thing about real life is that mistakes are going to happen. And we are understandably going to feel upset and even angry when things don’t go our way. The problems multiply, though, when our thoughts imperceptibly shift from “I don’t like what I just did” to sweeping conclusions about identity, “I dislike myself and feel less worthy because of what I just did”. When mistakes lead to a loss of self-respect, the reasonable sense of caution to avoid making unnecessary mistakes easily expands into an unreasonable fear of making any mistakes.
Of course mistakes are often disappointing and they can sometimes be painfully distressing and discouraging. Still, regardless whether a mistake is as minor as a wrong turn or as monumental as running an illegal Ponzi scheme–every mistake can be an opportunity to improve when one has the courage to be unafraid and the curiosity to learn.
I know it is unlikely you will ever learn to feel happy about making mistakes, but it is possible to learn to feel better about them. Here are some suggestions to help you get started:
- Try saying to yourself “I guess I’m still learning how to do this…” when you make a mistake, instead of harshly criticizing yourself.
- Look at your mistake in a more reasonable light, “it’s only a mistake, not the end of the world” rather than inflating its importance with awfulizing thoughts, such as “this was the worst, dumbest, stupidest thing I’ve ever done.”
- Be more skeptical of your own self-critical thoughts. Instead of just accepting the thought, “I must be stupid to have done that,” question that assumption with, “or maybe I did it because I’m just tired?”
- Evaluate your efforts more on the basis of what you do rather than who you are. “There are things I do very, very well, and things that I’m not very good at. Regardless of what I do, I appreciate that I am a worthwhile person.”
- Notice how self-criticism limits your internal conversation. “I’m an idiot…That was a stupid thing to say…I know better than that.” End of story, nothing learned.
- In comparison, notice how self-acceptance opens up your inner dialogue with curiosity and learning. I wonder why I keep making that mistake? What do I need to do differently next time? Why did that happen that way? What do I want to learn from this experience?
- Be patient–and friendly with yourself–as you make the effort to treat yourself with more compassion and acceptance. Habits of thinking develop over many years, and changing them will take time and practice.
